Monday, April 21, 2008

And How Was Your Weekend?

One of these days I'll get around to slandering Kentucky. Probably soon. This weekend we had beautiful weather, so naturally we had to spend most of Saturday at a my wife's grandmother's 90th birthday party. Usually my wife plans these things, because a) she's a control freak, and b) because she could whip Martha Stewart's tastefully dressed ass with one hand tied behind her back. But she had no say in this one, which is why things went to hell in a handbasket pretty quick. We probably should have suspected something when we went on the internet, (Thanks Al Gore!)(I stole that from RSG), to find directions for the restaurant, and instead found a bunch of reviews saying how much the place sucked.

and they weren't kidding.

The "banquet", and I use that term loosely, was held in the basement, which looked like something I might have thrown up, (Much like the food! Hey-O!), in an afternoon, and smelled of dampness and shattered dreams. we get in to see three, count 'em three, chafing dishes, set up in one corner. Not a good sign. The bar was cash only, which was no surprise given the past history of those paying for it. I declined, but my wife hit the sauce.

Eventually the grandmother showed up and was shown into the reception area, where she charitably declined to say "Is this what you think of me?" and sat down to the meal. Which consisted on something alleged to be seafood alfredo, a purported chicken marsala that closely resembled things I've seen pumped out of my septic tank, and a green bean salad. The green beans seemed the safest option. There was no other food available to the 10 kids under the age of 12. And we all know what a hit chicken marsala and seafood alfredo is with the under 12 set. While some parents ordered separate dishes for their kids, I just leaned over and whispered to mine, "We're going to McDonlad's after this; just hold tight" and they did. Frankly, McDonald's was the healthier option.

So we milled around for a couple of hours, making awkward conversation and trying to avoid the feral children my sister-in-law is busy raising. Their father announced somewhat proudly, that the youngest was going commando. The youngest also went around grabbing kids asses and at one point threatened to squirt a lemon into my son's eye. I grabbed his hand and took the lemon away, which may have been the first time he's ever been disciplned. I also told my son that if he had to punch the kid in the face, he wasn't going to be punished. Actually, I probably would have rewarded him after the inevitable rabies shots.

As things were winding down, (and by "winding" I mean time seemed to actually stop, stretching 2 hours to 14 days), it was announced that we were all going to a nearby aunt's house to continue the party. This had not been discussed before. I had plans to play Wiffle Ball that afternoon. Sure that sounds like a weak excuse, but at this point if I'd had plans to have an S&M queen slam my nuts in a car door I'd have gone for that option. We got in the car and left tire tracks on the pavement heading north while everyone else went south. There was a potentially awkward moment when we came out of the McDonald's drive-thru just as two car loads of relatives went past on the main road. We were able to avoid detection by swerving into another lane and punching the gas.

Sunday we actually got at the yardwork we'd missed Saturday, taking out a huge, and unfortunately now largely dead, lilac bush in the corner of our yard. We're trying to figure out how best to replace it. My wife, of course, has suggested what sounds like the second coming of the Hanging Gardens of Babylon , whereas I prefer something that will both attract birds and butterflies, and repel the children from the Montessori school next door. Does anyone know if poison ivy attracts birds? I managed to get most of the bush out and cut up into manageable pieces, although if anyone out there wants some lilac wood for their fireplace, there's plenty more left. Only about 9-10 cuts from various thorns and pruning utensils.

Incidentally, if anyone knows anything about getting rid of lawn grubs, I would love to hear some advice. The little fuckers are about to destroy our lawn. I'm willing to consider anything short of kerosene, and even that's negotiable.

To thnak me for all the hard work, my wife took me out to dinner at the casino. Free babysitting, since we've got a friend of ours temporarily living in the basement. She's also been doing our laundry and dishes. I'm starting to see the appeal of serfs. We went to a new Mexican place. Very good food, if slightly over-priced. Pretty much par for the course at the casino. Food's always good, but they're working on the assumption that you just hit a jackpot somewhere. We did gamble a bit afterwards, and I'm happy to announce I've somewhat eased my guilt about America's shabby past-treatment of our Indian brothers.

All in all, we managed to get a lot done after a slow start. Call it a late-inning comeback, the sort of thing I would like to see the Yankees start doing a bit more often. Or at all.


Blogger Syd said...

Oh, thank God for the happy ending. I was about ready to slit my own wrists just thinking about that party.

Good for you on giving your boy permission to box his cousin. My dad would have done that.

10:28 AM  
Blogger Persnickety Ticker said...

Thanks for the chuckle this Monday morning.

Oh who am I kidding...I practically peed myself laughing at this!

Thanks for that warm happy feeling.

10:31 AM  
Blogger Litlsassy20 said...

No better way to show Grandma respect and show how much you love and appreciate her than by possibly killing her w/ mold and disgusting food!

and I agree with punching the cousin, sometimes thats the only way the little fuckers learn :-D

1:12 PM  
Blogger Cedar said...

Adding Blog Name to list of who not to read while eating lunch.

If you really ever want that S&M nut thing, let me know, I got a list of names for you.

2:07 PM  
Blogger Tai said...

I think you should take Cedar up on the offer...give you something to blog about, at the very least.
(And you never know when you can start enjoying a new fetish!)

2:56 PM  
Blogger Just lil o me... said...

Best line of the day, hands down (or would that be nuts down?):
"if I'd had plans to have an S&M queen slam my nuts in a car door I'd have gone for that option"

Thanks for the much needed smile!


3:55 PM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

Careful, your hot dad side is showing.

7:17 PM  
Blogger puerileuwaite said...

I hate those damned chafing dishes! Though I must tip my cap to the "truth in advertising" aspect, the LEAST they could do is provide lotion to prevent the aforementioned consequence.

9:41 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Syd, and I left out the really happy ending!

PT, as long as that warm happy feeling isn't from you actually peeing yourself. I'd feel bad about that. Well, I'd feel bad about laughing at that anyway.

LS, as 90th birthday parties go, this had to be one of the worst.

Cedar, I've got a list of names I'd like to send to see the people on your list.

Tai, my list of fetishes I'd like to check out is indeed pretty long, but "slamming nuts in car door" doesn't seem to be showing up.

Kat, glad you found joy in my misery.

Tysgirl, I'm about to leave work early to go beat my first-born, so that should end quickly.

Pug, I suspect that the lotion may have been the seafood alfredo. would've been a better use for it than as food.

8:06 AM  
Blogger eclectic said...

Family parties should be disallowed by law, particularly where an "honored guest" is over the age of 50. Anyone that age has already lived 50+ years IN THAT FAMILY, and therefore deserves a pardon from such atrocities, and certainly should NOT be forced to act honored by them.

Yes, I know... I've a beautiful future in politics.

11:01 AM  
Blogger Frank said...

Two more additions for the list of "parenting advice I can't wait to use when my kid is the age Limpy's kids are now":

1) I also told my son that if he had to punch the kid in the face, he wasn't going to be punished.

2) I'm about to leave work early to go beat my first-born, so that should end quickly.

1:59 PM  
Blogger Just lil o me... said...

I just thought it ironic that you came up with a such a fitting description and that we could perhaps commiserate together. Here's mine regarding work: considering every day in this pit of hell is like having my tits scraped off one layer at a time with a dead skin file (like during a pedicure). Yes kids, that's how it REALLY feels. And we're not talking "a" cups either.


3:29 PM  
Blogger Phollower said...

I guess the fact that I go commando and grab kids' asses doesn't make it any more acceptable huh?

6:14 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Eclectic, careful, Grandma may put you on retainer before next year's party.

Frank, not exactly Dr. Spock around here is it?

Kat, um, ow. Sounds like it's time for a career change. Maybe a nut-slamming dominatrix? Gotta believe that's a stress relieving job.

Phollower, not more acceptable, but far more creepy.

7:03 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

Oh sure, you can keep a list of your fetishes but you can't write me one ity bity list you've been promising me for over a month?!?!?

I see how you are.

8:26 AM  
Blogger Ookami Snow said...

Is that how Indians Casinos work? So how much time to I have to spend there to be guilt free to killing their people?

8:41 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Tysgirl, I'm at #11 right now, so hold your horses.

Ookami, it's not so much time as it is cash. In our case we apparently had about $160 worth of guilt.

10:14 AM  
Blogger B.E. Earl said...

There must be some kind of ferret or marmot that you can get as a pet that will eat up all those lawn grubs.

But then you would be known around the neighborhood as the "crazy guy with the marmot tied up in his front yard". Might not be a bad thing.

12:03 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

B.E., actually, we already have moles to eat the grubs. Now I need to get something to eat the moles. Do marmots eat moles? Maybe I'll get badgers and take out those kids at the Montessori school next door at the same time.

12:28 PM  
Blogger Just lil o me... said...

Great - then pretty soon you'll be needing to borrow my great dane. She might eat the kids though I am not sure about the marmot.
Word of warning - she has IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) so I'd be ready for a BIG clean up on aisle 4 if you feed her anything besides the approved dog food!

Oh and - would being known as the "crazy guy who gets his nuts slammed in the car door" be any better (or any worse) than being known as the marmot man?


12:51 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Kat, speaking on behalf of my nuts, yes, yes it would be worse.

8:03 AM  
Blogger Party Girl said...

Man, being a grown-up sounds like a lot of work.

Or, maybe it's being a responsible grown-up that just doesn't sounds appealing.

8:43 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Let me know if you find any responsible adults around here. I'll have them escorted off the premises.

7:51 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home