Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Fine, YOU Try Saying "No" To Tysgirl

For some time now, Tysgirl, (linked to on your right as "Big Bundle of Fuck Me"), has been after me to do a list of '100 Things About Me'. I've been putting her off, telling her that I view it as something that everybody does and isn't all that creative, when the reality is that I'm just too fucking lazy to commit to such a project. However, Tysgirl is the sea that crashes relentlessly upon the mighty rocks, gradually wearing them down until they turn to sand. And since I wasn't all that mighty to begin with, here we are.

Get ready for the longest list you've ever slogged your way through.

1. I am right-handed. Not that this is at all interesting, (although that lack of interest will probably be a prevailing theme throughout this list), but aways back someone tagged me to write 8 things about me, and that's the one I started with. Consistency may indeed be the hobgoblin
of little minds, but I've always had a soft spot for hobgoblins.

2. I have a very good singing voice, assuming you enjoy the sound of a cat being raped. And who doesn't enjoy that? Besides the cat.

3. My favorite color is royal purple. In a related note, I am very secure with my sexuality.

4. If I am ever fortunate enough to run over Ann Coulter with my car, the only reason I would slow down is to make sure she heard me yell, "Take that cunt!"

5. That goes double for you Fred Phelps. Except I'd probably call you a "closeted fag" I like to make my derogatory name-calling fit the situation. It seems more civilized.

6. Thanks to a dedicated regimine of abdominal exercises, sometimes including up to 500 repetitions a session, I have rock-hard, well-defined abs. Thanks to an equally dedicated regimine of donuts and beer, I am able to protect those same abs with a thick layer of insulating blubber. But they're under there, trust me.

7. I have two tattoos. I have a third planned.

8. I used to have a pierced ear, but it kept getting infected. This is probably because a friend of mine pierced it by ramming the earring through my earlobe after "disinfecting" it in a glass of sambuca. Yes, I was drunk, why do you ask?

9. I've been married for 13 years. She has introduced me at weddings as "This is my first husband". Bitch.

10. I have two children. There will not be a third.

11. I cannot imagine living a full life without a big dog in it.

12. If I'm watching NASCAR, it's for the crashes.

13. The last book I read was "You Suck" by Christopher Moore. Knocked it off in one day. It is a sequel to his book "Bloodsucking Fiends", which I've also read. I recommend each book very highly, but only if you enjoy bitterly humorous books about sex, San Francisco, vampires, blue hookers and late-night frozen turkey bowling. Which should be pretty much all of you.

14. Christopher Moore did not pay me for #13, but I'd take his money if he did.

15. My favorite sport is baseball. My favorite team is the New York Yankees. My favorite player growing up was Don Mattingly. My favorite player of all time who died long before I was born and got a disease named after him is Lou Gehrig.

16. My favorite food would be hard to pin down, but on a consistent basis I'd have to say it would be a deep dish white pizza with sausage, eggplant and mushroom. Not least because no one else in my family likes mushrooms and therefore I am left alone to eat in peace.

17. In the warmer months. In the winter/colder months

18. Any time.
for some reason this won't line up correctly, but after finishing these bottles I don't think I can really be blamed for screwing up the margins here.

19. I spent two and a half years shoveling shit on a chicken farm to help pay for college. I've collected eggs, culled chickens and slaughtered turkeys. And I still eat poultry.

20. I am not a member of PETA.

21. My favorite band is The Supersuckers. I once read a review of one of their albums as "whiskey-fueled, hell-bound, tattooed rock and roll" Pretty much sums it up. Generally speaking I like loud bands with an emphasis on the guitar and who are still unknown enough to play in bars and smaller venues.

22. I can't see any point in paying $100+ to go to a stadium to see a band, I don't care if it The Rolling Stones. Stay home and watch it on TV; you'll be closer to the band and you won't get arrested for smoking pot.

23. I haven't smoked pot
since law school, (there's an advertisement for law school!), but for the life of me I can't see why it's illegal to smoke a joint but perfectly legal to drink a bottle of Jack Daniels.

24. I couldn't tell you what my favorite movie is, but if I had to divide it up by type, I'd have to say Slapshot or Bull Durham for sports, Unforgiven for westerns, ("deserve's got nuthin to do with it" has to be one of the best lines ever), and Roadhouse for comedy. Wait, Roadhouse isn't a comedy? You're shitting me. I laugh myself hoarse every time I watch that one. There are many other great ones out there, but "Miami Vice" isn't one of them.

25. I'm no world traveler like Party Girl, (not yet anyway), but of the cities I've visited, San Francisco
is probably my favorite, followed closely by New Orleans.

26. My least favorite cities are probably Miami and Los Angeles. In fact, if I were allowed to blow shit up, (and for obvious reasons, I'm not), I'd probably tell the residents of LA and Las Vegas, (where I've never been), to start running while I solve the west's water probelms.

27. I am a huge pain in the ass to travel long distances with. I don't stop unless urine is actually coming out my ears, and I don't care that much about your ears. I drive until I get there, and if I'm flying and have to deal with layovers I'm just an asshole. Which should make our upcoming trip to Disney a fun experience for everyone.

28. Oh yeah, I once won on Jeopardy!, but you knew that. And Alex Trebek seems like an obnoxious prick in person too.

29. The highest I've ever been, (literally as opposed to metaphorically), is when I climbed to 12,600 feet in Yosemite Park. I beleive the peak was called Mt. Lewis.

30. If I had to pick one celebrity to fight, I think it would have to be Dr. Phil.

31. Best hot dogs I've ever had can be found here. You have to get them with the relish; otherwise you're missing out on the experience. And if you put ketchup on them I will hit you. What are you, 8?

32. If I had more time, I think I'd like to learn to cook a decent meal. My current repetoire consists of throwing meat on a grill and waiting until it changes color. Sometimes I get real crazy and put olive oil on a piece of fish, wave it over the grill, and call it dinner.

33. I am very impatient and don't like following directions. Instead I prefer to just start whatever project I'm working on and try to finish as quickly as possible. based on past experience, I can tell you that this works much better with trials than it does with putting up a screen door.

34. If I have to wear a tie,
it might as well be colorful. Jerry Garcia ties are my favorites, even though I think the Grateful Dead sucked.

35. I have friends who have run for Congress. Unsuccessfully.

36. I have friends who stripped for a living. Succesfully.

37. I probably donated more money to the latter than the former. And got more out of it.

38. No one I know in the real world knows about this blog. So now's your chance to blackmail me. Except I'll just say 'fuck you' and tell 'em.

39. I'll be 39 in a week. I've noticed that I'm losing interest in birthdays lately. If there's something I want, I usually just buy it myself.

40. My father and I have the same birthday. He's older.

41. I find that things are much more interesting at 2:30 in the morning than they are at 2:30 in the afternoon.

42. If I were a male prostitute, I would starve to death. Within 4 days.

43. I would much rather have my kids hear The Supersuckers say "fuck" in a good song than that they listen to anything by The Jonas Brothers. I don't get too worked up about language, but bad music drives me nuts.

44. I say 'fuck' a lot.

45. My wife is the sexiest woman I know. And I'm not just saying that because I get to have sex with her. Although that doesn't hurt. I totally do, too.

46. The Bronx Zoo is one of my favorite places. I've been going there for years. I remember when all the apes were stuffed inside in little houses. Now they've got a huge outdoor area to hang out in. I'm not sure if the gorillas are any safer in the Bronx after dark than they would be in the Congo war zone, but they always seem content.

47. I really hate whiny people. Get the fuck over yourself.

48. You know what a really under-rated dessert is? Fresh watermelon.

49. This is the best roller coaster I've ever been on. "Superman" at Six Flags New England. The first time I went on it we were going up the main hill. And up. And up. And up. And so on and so forth. Long enough for me to start thinking, "you know, this may not have been the best idea I've ever had" I've rideen it 3-4 times since, but now I can't take the 90 minute wait in the lines. On a slow day.

50. I recently alphabetized all of my CDs, after getting pissed off that I couldn't find one. Which later turned out to be in my car, but whatever. Now I can find any CD in 30 seconds. As long as I never, ever buy another CD.

OK kids, it's taken me since Tuesday to come up with these 50 fascinating bits of information. So this is looking like a two-parter. Assuming you've read this far and haven't gouged your eyes out. Or just clicked to another site, which would have been easier, and probably less painful. We'll come back to this another time. Besides, I have to get to Kentucky before a bunch of bearded yokels in coonskin caps show up on my lawn with musketry and such. Although that could just be our local Chanber of Commerce now that I think about it.


Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

Holy fuck, Purple Man. I hope she enjoyed this gut letting. I have to take a break after the first 20. It's way too many words after a night of way too many Guinness to be trying to pour through. You could have stretched that Yankee comment into 5 comments you know.

9:40 AM  
Blogger Phollower said...

Dude, if you're not going to break in that bong could you send it to me? Mine is pretty nasty. And for some reason I never have the motivation to clean it after I take it out of the cupboard. Besides, I'd probably just get Doritos seasoning inside it. Which, now that I think about it, might be an interesting combo. Ooohhh, Combos on the inside might be pretty good too.

10:12 AM  
Blogger Cedar said...

I am actually looking forward to the next 50. Yes, I am in therapy, not to worry.

3:09 PM  
Blogger eclectic said...

A good roller coaster always climbs just long enough to make you wonder if it was a such a good idea to get onboard, right before it takes you over the edge.

Wow... I could make that into a metaphor, but I'm not gonna.

Get busy on the next 50. I'm taking sides with TysGirl on this one (because I'm not an idiot -- the redheads, we always win eventually).

5:26 PM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

You'll be relieved to know that I am now 50% satisfied. As a result, I will be harassing you 50% less. And if you believe that, you're a fool.

I loved the list, thank you. I expected a bunch of impersonal fluff to appease me, but you did good. You get extra points for #11!

5:38 PM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

See, Eclectic understands. A redhead always gets what she wants. Always.

5:44 PM  
Blogger MeeshellaBella said...

OMG i freaking love this post!! Lmao at #10!!

6:12 PM  
Blogger Rhonda said...

Great list Limpy!
I'm impressed...esp with # 45.

9:00 PM  
Blogger Callie said...

Not too shabby.

I didn't know you were on Jeopardy. THen again, I haven't been reading that long.

Oh, and thank you for #26. If you ever need any help with that, just let me know, 'k?

4:57 AM  
Blogger Callie said...

Oh - and I forgot to add in my last comment -

I'm also turning 39 (only I do it in a little over a week, so you're older - HA!), I've also been married for 13 years (only not to the sexiest woman you know), and we also have two kids, and that number will not grow unless we adopt (for the same aparent reason as yours).

Scary, huh???

5:04 AM  
Blogger Lady K said...

I like the way your mind works. One of my favorites was #38. My thoughts exactly.

One thing: Royal purple is nice and all, even for a guy, but can you WEAR it?

8:42 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Rat, I thought about that, (I could have gotten 3-4 out of the movies too), but it seemed cheap. Can't say I blame you for the Guinness though.

Phollower, maybe you should delegate the cleaning task to a more responsible party.

Cedar, I'll be in therapy after trying to come up with another 50 of these.

Eclectic, I'll post the next 50 after you get 50 of your vacation photos up, how's that for a deal?

Tysgirl, 50% satisfied sounds like pretty much every woman I've ever done anything for.

Shelli, glad you liked it and welcome back.

Rhonda, thanks.

Callie, you can hold the dynamite while I wire it. And remember, I don't read directions.

LK, I cannot wear it, but my wife can carry it off.

11:13 AM  
Blogger Party Girl said...

See, this is why I come here: all things random and many random things in common.

Sports, animals, hatred for stupid people who garner media attention for being stupid, alcohol, bands (seen 'em live at one of those small bars), and on and on, but also because you're one of those men who will openly say how awesome his wife is. There isn't enough of that in this world.

I know, gold star to you.

4:10 PM  
Blogger Party Girl said...

Oh, and thanks for the shout-out. Me likes being recognized.

4:14 PM  
Blogger B.E. Earl said...

I'm right-handed too!

That's as far as I got. ;)

4:29 PM  
Blogger B.E. Earl said...

Just kidding...I could have written about 20 of those myself. The Yankees, the's uncanny.

What kind of bourbon was that? I've seen the bottle, but the pic is kinda smallish.

4:42 PM  
Blogger Zoe said...

The most interesting 100 things I've ever suffered throguh, I mean read.

My list would go something like this;
1) I like to get some levels down, and therefor lack motivation.

9:46 PM  
Blogger puerileuwaite said...

Ted Bundy reportedly also liked purple, and seemed equally comfortable in the courtroom. I'm sure it's just a coincidence.

4:28 AM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

That was a good one.

Am I crazy or did the Yankee actually win two games in a row?

5:55 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

PG, I loves me some gold stars.

Earl, that's actually a single malt scotch called Glenrothes. I highly recommend it.

Zoe, funny, if I were you I'd lead off with being a half-elf rogue.

Rat, shhhh, you'll jinx them!

7:31 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Hopefully Pug, my courtroom appearances will have a slightly different outcome than Ted's. Good thing I don't have a crawl space!

9:49 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

Really? One would think you'd have better percentages with 13".

And about the tattoos. I know I've seen a picture of one. Is there a picture of the other on your blog?

1:41 PM  
Blogger The Q said...

Weird. I typed up a really long comment a couple days ago where I addressed certain things from your list and now *POOF*, it's like I was never here.

So either it got stuck in your spam filter (does Blogger have that too?), you deleted it or I am completely an idiot and didn't hit "Publish".

I'm going to have to with #3 here.


I can't even remember what I wrote, but I really enjoyed this list. I actually like you more now than I did before, Natalie Wood jokes aside.

4:37 PM  
Blogger Sylvia said...

Those books sound great. Thanks for the recommendations. The best hot dogs I have ever had are Sahlen's, made in Buffalo, of course. If you are ever visiting Buffalo, and have eaten your fill of pizza and wings (I say that like it is possible), stop at a Ted's Hot Dog place. Ahhh Buffalo, nothing to do when you visit, but great food!

8:04 PM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

Dear Boss Jr.:

I am twice as old as Phil Hughes, but I can pitch just as well for half the price. If I don't start off 0-4, I'll give you you're money back. What do you have to lose?

10:50 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Tysgirl, if I'm using 13" I'm using my arm.

Q, I have to go with 3 as well. Not becuase I think you're an idiot, but becuase I don't have a spam filter, (that I know of anyway), and I never delete anything anyone posts here.

Syvlia, the hot dog place I put up is Blackie's in Cheshire. Great dogs.

Rat, you can't be any worse an option than Igawa or Darrell Rasner. Still, while Santana would
have been better the next couple of years, I still think the Mets aren't going to be too excited paying out that $23 million in years 4-6 of that contract.

6:52 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...


It's not a problem that I hired a stripper to come to your office and give you a lap dance today, is it?

7:02 AM  
Blogger Big Mama said...

Happy Limpy-day! Oh yeah, that's just a holiday for Tysgirl...

I meant to say Happy Birthday. Hope life is treating you great today.

9:18 AM  
Blogger eclectic said...

Happy Birthday, your Royal Limpness.

10:03 AM  
Blogger Ookami Snow said...

Royal Purple is one of my favorite colors too. But it helps that I go to K-State where that color is the only official school color, so no one looks at me strange if I wear it.

8:30 AM  
Blogger Persnickety Ticker said...

OK, so after reading this post and your uncanny ability to make me wet myself with deep belly laughter, I am thinking that Depends needs to sponsor your Blog. They would make a fortune.

10:29 AM  
Blogger Kari said...

Where's the rest, Man! LIke Tysgirl, I'm starting to get impatient. Inquiring minds want to know and all that s&^t.

6:15 AM  
Blogger Lil Bit said...

1. R-handed gobgoblins rule! lol
2. Funny thing is, I'll bet you really DO have a good singin' voice, don't ya?
3. I knew there was a reason you started visiting me -- it's the PURPLE! ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, lol
Seriously tho, the fact that purple is your fave color (and more so, the fact you can publicly declare it) makes you rock in my book. =)
4. My my, such political venom. What, don't you like blondes who have such a respected stance w/disabled Vietnam vets? lol (Really, what a bitch.)
5. OMG, I can't even look at pix of that freak -- he gives me the eebie-jeebies.
6. LOL, beer & donuts don't go well together. ;)
7. We saw a pic of the dragon on your leg...
*lil girl whiny voice* lol - when you gonna show us the other?
(Seriously - I want a tat, but have been told by hubby that the one I want is "white trashy", so I haven't gotten it. pfft)
8. Silly boys... don't you know you need to FREEZE your earlobe by holding it in between 2 ice cubes in a a washcloth first & then pierce the frozen flesh w/a sewing needle. 'Least that's what I did with #3 hole on my L ear when I was around 16. lol
9. I think I like Mrs. Limpy - I'm so stealing that. lol
10. Wow, you got the snip-snip?
11. I've got a big dog, too... and a med. sized dog, too... and no, neither one is hubby. lol
12. If I'm watching NASCAR, it's cuz hubby has it on every Sun from Feb-Nov. erf.
13. Yep, sounds right up my alley... I'm reading what sounds like a similar style right now: "The Brass Bed" (can't remember the author and book is too far away to go check, lol)
14. LOL. That comment reminds me of bloggers who claim to make money w/their blogs... huh? how does that work? with all of those ads and shit?
15. Yikes, the YANKEES?!?! - oh no no no, this southern belle is not inclined to root for any damn yankees. lol
16. Ewwwwww, just the sound of that combo made me throw up in my mouth a lil bit. lol
17. Hubby drinks Guinness as his beer of choice year round... I just can't do it. It's a freaking MEAL... like a beer smoothie or something, lol Gimme a Leinenkugel's or a Bass or something on the lighter side, pls
18. Mmmm, ever drink your Patron as an ice-cold shot?. Sooo good, but it HAS to be ice cold. Just let the bottle sit in a bucket of ice water.
'fraid I can't do the scotch tho, ack.
19. 2 1/2 YEARS?! - Wow, you musta really enjoyed chicken farming to do it THAT long. What, were there no other jobs to be had?
20. LOL, how 'bout the ASPCA?
21. Hmmmm.. The Supersuckers, eh? Never heard of 'em. Will have to look 'em up sometime.
22. When I went to see the Rolling Stones 2 or 3 years back, it was only $75. "Only", as if that's cheap. lol.
23. Right on. Similarly, I don't get how I could go to jail for selling something that I could give away for free. Not that I do, just making a point. LOL
24. All westerns w/Clint Eastwood in 'em rock... he's the man.
Just the mere MENTION of "Road House" makes me laugh, so you KNOW it's a comedy. lol
25. Yep, one of these days I'm gonna bump into you in New Orleans... and you BETTER have some beads on ya. Jus sayin'. lol
26. You got a prob w/sin cities or sumpin? ;)
27. Depends where I'm going (and why) on how many times I stop along the way. But usually it doesn't matter cuz hubby ALWAYS needs to pull over to pee b4 I do. LOL
28. Did not know that!! - Is the episode still floating out there somewhere? I wanna seeeeeeee the lawyer-brainiac in action!
29. Well damn, I musta been actually high cuz I thought the name of the highest place I had ever been was Butterfly Pass in Colorado -- but when I just tried to google it, nothing came up so I guess that's not what it was called. LOL
Oooooooo, wait! It was MONARCH Pass, on the continental divide. 11,300 ft. You beat me. lol
30. I'd pay good money to attend that brawl. lol
31. Noooooooo, pickles do NOT go on hot dogs. What are you, a yankee?!?! lolol
32. There's some guy on some cooking channel who ONLY cooks on the grill.. I'm talking everything. Seen him? (Sorry, I don't know his name, nor do I know the channel, lol, cuz I'm definitely NOT a cook)
33. A man who doesn't follow directions, now how novel is that? LMAO
34. Jerry ties are VERY cool... and so was he. Don't go knockin' on The Dead now.
35. LOL, so it's true -- lawyers & politicians hobnob. lol
36. Acquaintances, too. ;)
37. You went to a club where your friends stripped & they didn't shy away since they knew ya?
38. Interesting... didn't realize you were a completely anonyous blogger -- like, even from wifey.
39. Damn, you're like hubby -- by the time xmas rolls around, there's nothing left to get him cuz he's already gotten it for himself. pththth, y'all suck. ;)
40. Awwwww, how sweet - You were his lil bday present 39 yrs ago.
41. And I can tell you this, too... things at 3:30am are somehow MUCH more interesting when seen on the back end of 3:30 instead of the front end. (i.e., staying up 'til past 3:30 instead of waking up for the day at 3:30.)
42. Not buying that one. lol
43. Who the fuck are the Jonas Bros? Wait. Maybe it's best that I *don't* know.
44. Fuckin' A, ditto.
45. Just make sure she knows that.
46. I haven't been to a zoo since I was a kid.
47. Oops, I whined in #7. LOL!
48. Now that just made my mouth water. Funny how just some words can do that.
49. Does 6 Flags up there have the ride "Deja-Vu"? - OMGgggg, the first time I rode that I almost pissed myself. ROCKSSSss!
50. When alphabetizing CDs, hon, you leave some room at the end of each row to account for future purchases. Same w/the DVD shelves. LOL!

Those were really fun lil things!! =)
Will get to the other 50 on another day. Or week. whatever. ;)

12:54 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home