Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Georgia: Sherman's Speed Bump

Chapter 15 in the hopelessly stalled out "Know Limpy's States". Dear god there's 35 more of these fuckers to go.

Georgia is the 4th state, entering the Union on January 2, 1788. It was originally founded by James Ogelthorpe, (no relation to this guy
), in 1733 as a slave-free colony. Suffice it to say, somewhere along the line somebody changed their mind. What the hell, a buck's a buck right? Right? Anyone?

Georgia is known as "The Empire State of the South", for some reason. This book here says it's because the landscape is so rich. Personally, I always thought it was called "The Peach State", but I never wrote a book about the 50 states, just a series of bad blogs about them, filled with historical inaccuracies, complete fabrications and outright slander. When, oh when will the madness end!?


Pretentious nicknames aside, Georgia has a rich history of something or other. I'm nearly sure of it. There must be something besides that 180 they did on the whole slavery thing, and there's gotta be something besides booting out the Creek and Cherokee tribes and forcing them to walk the Trail of Tears. Oh, here's something, the first gold rush in the US was at someplace called Dahlongea, in Georgia, in 1828. Right before the sudden influx of settlers forced out the injuns in 1833.

The more I write these things the more I feel like going to the local reservation casino and blowing a pile of cash on craps.

Georgia does figure prominently in a crucial development in American, nay Western, civilization. No, it's not cotton, or even the Civil War, and it's certainly not the 1996 Summer Olympics. I'm talking of course, about Dr. John Pemberton's invention of Coca-Cola
at an Atlanta pharmacy in 1886, allowing millions of Americans to enjoy the taste of cocaine while sipping a refreshing, yet oddly jittery, soft-drink. At least until 1903 when the spoilsports took it out. I'm sure the massive amounts of water Coke uses to make their fine product, (to which, if it's not clear, I'm kind of addicted to), are behind last year's severe drought in Georgia, during which at one point Atlanta was facing something like it's last 60 days of water. Of course, that could also have been the result of the massive expansion of Atlanta and piss poor planning for the same, but I like to blame drugs for all of the world's problems, so the drought was Coke's fault.

The drought did lead to some promising potential entertainment when some retards in the Georgia legislature, (which for some reason I picture as being held in a run-down chicken coop), made a claim that way back when, someone measured the northern border of Georgia wrong and it should have been a mile or so north. By sheer coincidence, that would have given the access to the Tennessee River. And also would have put Memphis in Mississippi, much to the joy and wonderment of that municipality.

But then it rained again and everyone forgot about it and built more houses and it'll never happen again and Sweet Jesus when will we ever learn?

During the Civil War, Union General William Tecumseh Sherman meandered through northwest Georgia, distributing candy to orphans and the homeless. Of course, to paraphrase noted historian Steve Martin, he also helped those orphans and homeless get their start, but hey, candy's candy right? Leading to my only story about Georgia and one I'm pretty sure is a lie. Happened to a friend of a friend whose cousin was there and swears it's true. Car load of college kids from the northeast are driving through Georgia on their way to Florida for Spring Break. They get pulled over by a state trooper for speeding. And apparently they were going pretty fast, because the statie says "Son, nobody goes through Georgia that fast" only to hear a voice from the back pipe up "Sherman did"

Sure, good for a laugh, but if anyone here thinks a car load of Yankees would make such a crack to a Georgia state trooper and live to tell anyone about it, well, I have some waterfront property near Atlanta I'd love to sell you.

There are 8,684,715 people in Georgia. 72% of them are currently stuck in traffic outside of Atlanta.

Georgia's state bird is the Brown Thrasher, a smallish bird with a good offense but weak defense and next to nothing in the way of decent goaltending. Seriously, we lose the Whalers, and Atlanta, in fucking Georgia, gets a hockey team and names it after a bird!? Go fuck yourself Gary Bettman. You die and go to hell!

The state flower is the Cherokee Rose, which I'm sure gave great consolation to the Cherokees as they walked the Trail of Tears. On the other hand, it's a nice looking flower and doesn't involve anyone stealing my favorite hockey team, so I perosnally am OK with it. Priorities, shmiorities.

The highest point in Georgia is Brasstown Bald, at 4784' above sea level. More importantly is Springer Mountain, the starting point, (or end point I guess), of the famous Appalachian Trail. Someday I'll schlep along there.

IF YOU'RE IN GEORGIA YOU SHOULD: I have never been to Georgia and wouldn't know. I have friends who moved to Atlanta and say it's great to visit but hell to live there. Savannah's supposed to be nice, but you're reading a guy who'd be more inclined to spend his time poking around in Okeefenokee Swamp
looking for critters, so if I were you I'd go track down Pissy and ask her. She'll know what to do. And you'll look good while doing it. With me you're just going to get muddy and drunk, and possibly eaten by something, and not in a good way either.

MISS GEORGIA LOOKS LIKE THIS: At first glance she's kind of hot, but looking more closely, I can't shake the feeling she's hoarding nuts in those cheeks. And again, not in a good way either.

LIMPY'S CONNECTION TO STATE: Some friends of mine moved there and I never saw them again. Also I like peanuts. That's really it.

HAS LIMPY EVER GOTTEN LAID IN THIS STATE: No. Although when my wife tells me she's not in the mood I do like to say "Frankly my dear. I don't give a damn"

Then she hits me with a shoe.

Next up: Kentucky. The Indigo Grass State. Or something like that.


Blogger eclectic said...

The "Frankly..." line really depends on the delivery, man. You're clearly not saying it right. Either that, or she's got waaaaaaay the hell too many shoes lying around.

Funny, I posted a thing on General Sherman today, too.

9:55 PM  
Blogger Tai said...

Your blog on states brings me great joy and wonderment.

8:35 AM  
Blogger Callie said...

You know, I have a friend who lives in Georgia. Gonna have to send her the link, and see what she says about it.

All I have to say is - that chick looks a little strange. Like someone smashed her face flat, and it got all wide and creepy looking.

9:40 AM  
Blogger Cedar said...

I snorted Coke once, almost drowned.

12:11 PM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

You have a gift for writing my friend.

This series needs to be printed when you're done!

5:58 PM  
Blogger Lady K said...

Good GOD, how I like your style. And OH how I wish you were my geography teacher back in the day.

10:29 PM  
Blogger Ookami Snow said...

When I first saw Miss Georgia I had the same thought (well not exactly, I just thought she looked kind of strange).

6:10 AM  
Blogger puerileuwaite said...

Well at least THIS Georgia produced Jimmy Carter instead of Stalin, so I reluctantly tip my cap to them for that achievement (and to myself for using Jimmy Carter in a favorable comparison).

And who could forget Ty Cobb, known as the "Georgia Peach" because cactus doesn't grow there; so he couldn't be the "Georgia Prick".

5:35 PM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

I'd love to speed through Georgia just to make that crack to the trooper, but then again - I've already been beaten with a billy club from a NY State Trooper & I bet it would be much worse for me from a GA State Trooper so I guess I'd just think it & hopefully laugh on the inside & not get too mad about the ticket. Sherman is my favorite US General. HE had it right. I have read many books on him, but now I am just sounding like a dork. Sherman's Speed Bump. Good one. Wang better beat Beckett tonight is all I fucking know (want to keep the cuss meter high).

6:15 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Eclectic, I blame it on my lack of a mustache.

Tai, then I am filled with a sense of joy and accomplishment. And questions about your tatste.

Callie, I swear, the longer I look at her face the more curious I am about what happened. So I spend my time looking elsewhere than her face.

Cedar, that's just gotta burn on the way down.

Tysgirl, more of a "regift" thanks to my habit of "borrowing" so much material.

LK, but then I'd get arrested for dating mys students, and once was enough for that beleive me. Wait, what?

Ookami, there's just something off about her when you look more closely. Still, no way she's talking to me in a bar.

Pug, Give Cobb a break. Sure he was a vicous racist and beat up at least one cripple, but he never took HGH.

Rat, I have Wang and Beckett on my fantasy baseball team, (and you were worried about sounding like a geek for knowing about Sherman? It is to laugh!), so I'll probably bench Wang and play Beckett, thereby ensuring the reverse jinx and allowing the Yankkes to shell Beckett while Wang no hits the Sox.

7:21 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

Don't argue with me, you know I'm always right!

8:27 AM  
Blogger eclectic said...

Somehow, when you say, "I'll probably bench Wang" it sounds dirty.

9:32 AM  
Blogger Big Pissy said...

I would be MORE than happy to share my knowledge of Georgia with your readers.

Of course my knowledge mostly consists of the best places to shop, eat and .....well...shop and eat.

4:34 PM  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Ya know, as I understand it, in Georgia they consider “Yankee” only half a word.

8:59 PM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

That was certainly a hit filled baseball weekend. To top it all off, having to listening to that combination of numb nuts on Fox & ESPN. I about fucking threw my TV out the window last night listening to Joe Morgan.

5:23 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Tysgirl, you'd think I'd learn by now.

E, the next day's healdine was "Yankees Wave Magic Wang" Now that's dirty.

BP, I'm counting on it.

Nick, and the first word isn't necessarily "damn" either.

Rat, while I try not to get too excited about April baseball games played in sub-40 degree temperatures, Girardi made some, shall we say, "interesting" decisions over the last two games.

6:47 AM  
Blogger Party Girl said...

I like your way of book-learning, cause I actually learn.

Georgia and slavery, well, sme people are just slow, especialy in the South, I mean, it's hot down there and you have to take your time on these things.

Muddy and drunk, what time should I show-up?

11:28 AM  
Blogger Just lil o me... said...

Ahhh Limpy....
Seeing how I live outside Atlanta (transplant) and date a born & bred GA boy (his family tree has branches and he has all his own teeth), you are amazingly accurate!
You forgot GA's one shining star..here's a hint: "squeal like a piggy boy". Yup, you forgot to reference Deliverance. Having lived in Cartersville, I can assure you fine folks that there ARE people that look like banjo boy. And those are just the women folk!!
Really valuable tip: NEVER speed on I-75 between Tifton and Valdosta. Trust me - it ain't pretty and they love them some Yankee coin!
That chick looks fucking weird.

3:20 PM  
Blogger Sylvia said...

I am completely with you and your lost Whalers. Georgia with a hockey team, who play games that no one attends, is absolutely ridiculous. I did not realize they were named for a bird. For fuck's sake, a bird! No wonder they have terrible defense.

3:57 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

PG, no later than 11 am. After that I can't guarantee there'll be any beer left.

Kat, for some reason I thought 'Deliverance' took place in South Carolina, but I guess that's where the author is from. Damn, would've been a gold-mine too.

Sylvia, well, they've got lots of time to think about it now. Go Canadiens!

6:31 AM  
Blogger Persnickety Ticker said...

OK, so now that you have cracked me up over 2 states, I am going to have to go back and read the rest. I just realized that I had stopped by here once, a long time ago, but failed to come back in a timely manner. My apologies. I will definately be checking in way more often. You're just toooo funny not to. Thanks!

10:24 AM  

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