Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Time Flies

I just noticed I haven't put anything up here for a good week. I've meant too, but then I realize it's after midnight and I need to go to bed since I can't get away with wandering into work at 11 am anymore. Which is kind of too bad.

Anyhoo, the last week has been a bit hectic. You get your taxes done on time? I still need to mail them today, but I finished them off a day ago. Let's hear it for a $40 federal refund!! Woooooo!!! That's a couple of CDs right there. Maybe half a tank of gas!

And of course, Little League started. And it wouldn't be Little League without the Limpy family turning things into one colossal Mongolian Clusterfuck. Which we did. As you may recall, a couple of years ago the Little League Powers, told my son that, despite the fact that we signed up late, he was on a team. Then two days later changed their minds and said he couldn't play. Which led to me making some phone calls that could charitably be described as unpleasant in nature. Surprisingly, no restraining order resulted, and this year, finding themselves in a pinch, we got a phone call asking if I could step into a sudden breach and manage a team of 9-11 year olds. Which should give you a good idea of how desperate they were for a manager. "Call that guy nicknamed "Limpy", you know, the one who called us a 'group of prize-winning assholes' a couple years back."

Well, I'm a bigger man than that, in more ways than one. What? I've been eating a lot of potato chips lately.
If you believe nothing else I've ever written here, well a), you're probably not far off, but b) take my word for it and get your hands on some Kettle Organic BBQ chips. It's the next best thing to an orgasm in a bag.

I don't know what that means either.

As I was saying before I so rudely interrupted myself, I agreed to manage the little tots, more than likely to a last place finish, teaching them nothing along the way other than a first-rate education as to what vulgarities to use in a given adverse baseball situation. Which is not the most useless thing you can learn. Then I asked who was on the team and they read down the list of kids and it became apparent that there was no way I could manage this team, and more importantly, no way my son could play on it. I can't even go into the reasons why, suffice it to say it had nothing to do with the coaches or the kids, and we're not the kind of parents that worry about our kid playing on a crappy team. And when I explained the situation to the league president, she agreed.

So we had to work a trade. Of 9-11 year olds. A trade. How fucked up is that? Naturally, the other managers, having already started calling their kids, were, according to the president, reluctant to make a trade. So, with her permission, after waiting a week, I called a friend of mine who's managing a team, told him about as much as I could about what was going on, and within 24 hours a 4 player trade had been worked out and my kid was off the first team and on my friend's team, along with another kid, and two kids were sent the other way. I'm not sure if any draft picks were exchanged, or if there are any players to be named later. Maybe we'll throw in a good bat.

Problem solved right?


One of the kids sent from my friend's team to the other team? His parents were the team sponsors. We found this out at the first practice yesterday. I felt pretty bad about that, although apparently he got traded because he was older and it balanced out the ages on the rosters. My wife felt horrible about it and was telling one of her friends about it. Her friend starts laughing her ass off and then stops and says "Oh, were you really upset about this? Because I can wait to start laughing until after we hang up."

So now it looks like, rather than managing a team I'll wind up sponsoring a team, since I'm certainly not about to screw over the other parents. This wasn't their fault, and I know if I put up a couple of hundred dollars to sponsor a team and then my kid got traded off of it before the season started, I'd be thinking about issuing a "stop-payment" on the check.

In other news, I found a new career for Syd. Here's a hint, it involves rubbing this.

One other thing. Natalie Wood is probably about to rise from her watery grave, and no doubt come after me for some of the cracks I've made about her and pools, (even though I know she drowned after falling off a boat and not in a pool), because I won the company NCAA tournament pool this year, coming into an incredible windfall of $65, (between that and the tax refund my ass is retiring!), and therefore I am today buying lunch for the office, leaving it up to the staff to decide from where. They've been trying to figure this out for the last hour. I've put less effort into some of my court arguments, (which would probably explain the results), than they're going through out there. At this rate I'll be buying dinner. Tomorrow.


Blogger eclectic said...

I can't help but wonder what the grading criteria are for determining which assholes win prizes. And really, what would an asshole receive as a prize?


See? This is what happens when I think about what I read here. Clearly I need to stop that.

9:01 AM  
Blogger The Recovering Straight Girl said...

I believe that buying lunch for your fairly new co-workers with your recent windfall of money is a good move to eventually being able to come in at 11:00.

9:37 AM  
Blogger Syd said...

Thank you, my man. I love how you look out for me.

10:09 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

My taxes are normally done before the first of February. This year I thought we underpaid so I put it off until the last minute. Turns out we overpaid quite a bit and will get a refund...Enough to cover the bar tab for our 7 night cruise next month. Score!

I really should fire the accountant. Oh wait, I am the accountant. Maybe I should give the accountant a raise. Or at the very least, buy her a new lens.

Way to suck up to the staff, brown noser.

10:26 AM  
Blogger The Q said...

I just hope Natalie Wood doesn't come after me when she's done with you. I know I shouldn't laugh at your comments about her, but I cannot for the life of me help myself.

The last thing I need is some soggy ghost chasing me around in my nightmares.

10:36 AM  
Blogger Callie said...

See - I'm wondering what the heck was happening that all that trading needed to happen. Who did you piss off to that extent?

12:12 PM  
Blogger Cedar said...

Taxes? Don't we do them in April? It isn't near April yet is it?

Why do I feel like I will be seeing you on the evening news this summer?

1:42 PM  
Blogger Tai said...

I've never had an orgasm in a bag.
Perhaps I'll be buying some Kettle Chips and see how that works.

6:23 PM  
Blogger The Recovering Straight Girl said...

I meant to say that an orgasm in a bag sounds messy. Really messy. But I guess you can throw it away afterward.

7:34 PM  
Blogger Party Girl said...

My god, but little league does seem to be a bit serious and competitive. I mean, little league is still about little kids playing a game, right? I haven't missed something by not being a breeder, still just a game?

sorry for all the trouble with the other rents, at least you seem sane.

Orgasm in a bag? Yes, please.

8:47 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

E, thinking about anything you've read here for more than about two seconds can't possibly be healthy, and I suggest you cut it out immediately.

RSG, EXACTLY! This morning it was blueberry muffins.

Syd, Gotta take care of the peeps. Seriously, how would one categorize that job on a resume? Although if I were interviewing someone who had figured out a way to get paid to rub oil on a supermodel's ass, I'd hire them on the spot!

Tysgirl, any attorney who doesn't know the staff can make or break you isn't worth their hourly rate.

Q, I always think of Natalie as our running joke. And a really, really lousy swimmer.

Callie, nothing we did, nothing the league did, and nothing I can talk about.

Cedar, I believe the for for filing an extension is 4056. You might weant to look into that. (And also, I just made that number up)

Tai, you have to get the BBQ ones. Those are the best. never had the seas salt. The sour cream & onions are pretty good too.

RSG, messy orgasms are the best. And if you've got a bag, there's no mess to clean up while you're slinking out of the house later. Wait, what?

PG, Little League hasn't been about the kids in years. First time I coached was 16 years ago to help out a friend. The coaches who'd been in the league for years had teams full of kids with beer guts and five o'clock shadow. We got kids with learning disabilities, coke bottle glasses and crystal meth problems. I think we won three games all year. I did meet my wife through that team though; she played shortstop.

7:10 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

Hourly rate kinda makes you sound like a whore.

11:07 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Lawyer, whore, what's the difference?

1:12 PM  
Blogger Lady K said...

OK. Didn't read all of this, but will, I swear. YES I did my taxes...in fucking FEBRUARY, you lazy ass! Then again, single, it's simple for me. Hey...I had to get ready for baseball season, right? Randy Johnson and all that shit... ;-)

8:00 PM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

I can think of at least 2 differences.

The lawyer has pretty ankles and the whore can give it longer than 7 minutes.

This is where I run and hide.

8:08 PM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

I had trouble focusing on most of the blog after reading "Anywho." That was a super gay thing to say.

10:50 PM  
Blogger OLED said...

Hello. This post is likeable, and your blog is very interesting, congratulations :-). I will add in my blogroll =). If possible gives a last there on my blog, it is about the OLED, I hope you enjoy. The address is http://oled-brasil.blogspot.com. A hug.

10:57 AM  
Blogger Phollower said...

Gosh, I wish I could get Oled to come to my blog. At first I thought the name was Oiled and that seemed like a perfectly likely for one of your readers.

I was going to say that I often refer to sex with Sylvia as "Sex in a Bag" but she reads your blog so I'm not going to.

A hug.

11:48 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

LK, I hope Randy Johnson suffers a massive disc herniation. Again.

Tysgirl, but the lawyer, like the whore, can last longer than 7 minutes as long as the client is paying an hourly rate.

Rat, Super gay true, but not "Let Me Touch Him" gay.

Oled, thank you so much for the hug. It made my day. There is nothing I like so much as being touched by strangers from South America. And you my new friend, have touched me in very soul.

Phollower, good to see you're still around. After I disentangle myself from his octopus-like hug, I will direct Oled over to your place. I'll have him bring his own bag.

6:57 AM  
Blogger Ookami Snow said...

There are trades in little league? How much did you have to pay out in signing bonuses?

11:22 AM  
Blogger puerileuwaite said...

As your agent, I am delighted to inform that you have been traded to the Boy Scouts for a Homosexual Scoutmaster to be named later.

9:58 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Ookami, there's actually a whole procedure spelled out in the guidelines for trades. Player Agent and everything. It's kind of insane.

Pug, sounds like it's time to announce my retirement!

8:11 AM  

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