Sunday, May 04, 2008

Kentucky: They Shoot Horses Don't They?

Chapter 16 in the now-on-life-support "Know Limpy's States", and probably the runaway winner for the "Title In The Most Poor Taste" Well, it will be the runaway winner unless it breaks both its ankles. Then we'll just roll a couple of trucks in front of it and, well, see what happened Jimmy is that title got sent to a farm in another state where it can play with all the other titles forever and ever. -BANG!!-

Kentucky is the 15th state, entering the Union on June 1, 1792. Prior to that it was suburb of Virginia and was first populated by Daniel Boone, who established a settlement at Boonesborough, (no false modesty for Dan'l), shortly after a treaty with the Cherokee opened the area up to white-folk. And, as usually happens when white folk show up, there went the neighborhood.

Kentucky is know as "The Bluegrass State". This nickname is derived not from the color of the grass, which is in fact green, but from the bluish buds the grass produces in the spring, which make the meadows look blue. Especially if you're really, really high. I actually didn't make that part up, (well, except for the whole being high thing, but I've got some readers who could probably field test that), that's really where the "bluegrass" thing comes from. Looked it up and everything! And you guys thought I just mailed these in. With good reason actually.

Kentuxky is known for many things, such as bourbon,
but is probably best know for The Kentucky Derby. I'm told this is a horse race of some note. This year the winner was accorded many accolades, won over a million dollars, was draped with an enormous collar of roses, (which he then probably ate), and can look forward to spending his retirement on a farm, (no for real!), banging female horses all day every day.

The runner-up got shot.

I'm still working this in to a motivational speech to our Little League team. Should be a doozy.

The Derby is also famous for women wearing great big stupid hats
and everyone drinking mint juleps and, before the race, singing the state song, "My Old Kentucky Home (Has A Broke-Off Screen Door 'N A Car Up On Blocks Inna Front Yard)", which once included the lyrics "tis summer/The Darkies are gay", until 1986 or so when someone changed them. I've never been to the Derby, but I have to wonder what everyone did at that point in the song. Hum?

Kentucky is home to the aptly named Mammoth Cave, which at 340 miles is the second longest explored cave system in the world, right after Jenna Jameson.
Hey-O! No, it's actually the longest. Jenna's only 324 miles wide. I'd actually like to check that cave out. Hours spent wriggling around in a confined space with my face pushed into some odd smelling muck! What could be better. And, oh yeah, Mammoth Cave would probably be cool too. (Anyone who didn't see that coming should check themselves for a pulse)

There are 4,117,827 people in Kentucky. All of them root for the Kentucky Wildcats men's basketball team as though they fate of the Earth itslef depended on them making at least the Sweet Sixteen. Which, as has been proved over and over in recent years, it clearly does not. Only one of these people is Ashley Judd,
which is too bad. Wait, Kentucky has a hockey team!? About four of them are Wynonna Judd (on the right for the confused) .

The Kentucky state bird is the cardinal. And I can't believe this, but so far Kentucky is the only state with the cardinal as a state bird. and I was all set to blast them for their lack of originality too.

The state flower is Goldenrod. I think this was also the name of one of Jenna Jameson's co-stars. In case you're wondering, as far as I know Jenna is not in any way assoicated with the state of Kentucky. I made one crack about her and now I'm stuck with this. It's an unfortunate cycle, but it should clear up soon. Just like Jenna's...

DAMMIT!!!

The highest point in Kentucky is on Black Mountain, at 4,154' above sea level.

IF YOU'RE IN KENTUCKY YOU SHOULD: Well, I'd probably go poke around in the caves, (must...not...beat...joke), but I've never been to Kentucky and wouldn't really know. I have friend who grew up in Kentucky who tells me everyone should go to the Derby once in their lives. So far I'm progrssing well without it, but if I were to find myself in kentucky on the first Saturday in May I might wander over. Fort Knox is also in Kentucky. You could down a quart of bourbon and test the security there. Let me know how it works out.

MISS KENTUCKY LOOKS LIKE THIS: Apparently they avoid the sun in Kentucky.


EDITOR'S NOTE!!!!

And sometimes, before or after doing cocaine, getting drunk and making out with a Miss Teen USA contestant, Miss Kentucky looks like this



Tara Conner, Or she would if that were actually her in the picture. That's not Tara Conner in that photo. My bad. Apparently that's Katie Blair there in the middle, who Tara allegedly made out with at one point. But not in that picture. Which I'm still leaving up. Because I'm a perv.



LIMPY'S CONNECTION TO STATE: I know one person from Kentucky. He's not in a hurry to go back either. Other than that, none.

HAS LIMPY EVER GOTTEN LAID IN THIS STATE: No.

Next up: Louisiana, Now 35% dryer!

28 Comments:

Blogger JoeinVegas said...

Hey, Jenna's from Vegas, don't go giving her to another state or anything.

8:21 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Is she really? That's perfect. Where else could she come from?

9:18 AM  
Blogger B.E. Earl said...

Miss Kentucky needs a sandwich.

And Jenna Jameson was once attractive in a "324-mile long cave of a vagina" kinda way.

Now she looks like an anorexic duck.

Not judging you if you are into that kinda thing. I'm just sayin'

10:04 AM  
Blogger puerileuwaite said...

Well if you're REALLY asking where she can come from, how about from my "paddock"* (* note the playful Derby tie-in).

Of course, if I CAN successfully accomplish this feat without her faking it for the cameras, I too will deserve to be retired to a stud farm.

I'll need plenty of Mint Juleps, animal tranquilizers, and some of that blue "grass".

10:15 AM  
Blogger Tai said...

Spelunking. You should have tried to work that in there somewhere, I would have enjoyed that.

10:15 AM  
Blogger puerileuwaite said...

(p.s. - Is it just me, or does Ms. Kentucky look slightly Asian? She must work at the Toyota plant.)

10:17 AM  
Blogger Just lil o me... said...

Limpy - I cant believe you didnt go for the obvious "Jenna & Black Mountain" joke...either you're slipping, or I've surpassed you in the dirty minded fucker category!!!
hee hee!

kat

10:56 AM  
Blogger eclectic said...

If you're looking at that photo of Miss Kentucky, and all you can think of is sun-avoidance? I fear you may have cancer or something. Best get to a doctor. Personally, I'm much less tan than she is... less well-endowed too, now that I think of it. Great. I'm leaving now, before what's left of my self-esteem dies.

11:11 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Earl, I have no comment other than "quack"

Pug, you'll also probably need to use your entire arm, which is more of a judgment of Ms. jameson than yourself. Grease up amigo!

Tai, 'spelunking' is a fun word. I should have included it.

Pug, she does look sort of Asian. Also sort of pale, sort of anorexic, and really makes me wonder what else showed up at the "Miss Kentucky" competition that day.

Kat, Rest assured my fellow perv, I did think of that connection, but on due consideration preferred to keep the Goldenrod crack. Two felt like overkill, a feeling I'm sure Ms. Jameson doesn't share.

E, not to be creepy(ier) or anything, but you're much more attractive than her. I think she looks dead.

11:34 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

If one must go to Kentucky (and I don't know why anyone would when they could come to TN and see me) I highly recommend touring the Corvette factory in Bowling Green. Cadillac's XLR is also assembled in that plant, either car will be fine for Christmas, thank you.

What? If I'm going to be your publicist, you're going to want me to look good and roll in style, right?

Aside from hot cars, my favorite thing about Kentucky is how they put "KY" on the road signs. It makes me giggle. I'm 12 like that.

2:01 PM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

That was too fucking funny. I don't even know where to start with my accolades so I'll just say there were several classics. Also, please provide us with a transcript of that Little League speech.

You can always use the Tommy Lasorda line from the playoffs sometime in the early 90s. I remember him charging out to the mind and with the camera right on his face, "THROW SOME FUCKING STRIKES!!!" and with that he walked back to the dugout. The guy actually threw some to get out of the jam. My friends and I were all howling laughing that it was on national TV as clear as could be.

7:24 PM  
Blogger Lady K said...

LMAO! You pretty much nailed it for KY. But you failed to mention the biscuits. My grandma had relatives there, and the biscuits were KILLER. And the gravy? Could have won her the lottery, man. Other than that, shut them fuckin' roosters UP!!!

11:10 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Tysgirl, I usually put KY on something else, but that's just me.

Rat, I just gave that speech to our pitcher last night. No TV though.

LK, consider the biscuits added as a Kentucky attraction.

7:03 AM  
Blogger Persnickety Ticker said...

You forgot one of the added bonuses of living in KY...Some of the cheapest cigarettes in the country to go along with the highest mortality rate for lung cancer. They must be so proud.

8:46 AM  
Blogger elizabeth said...

That's the reason I don't enter any of these contests... lol

9:25 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

PT, well, when you produce that much coal, (133 million tons or so from what I read), a little lung cancer is really just a break from the black lung.

Liz, ah, the same reason I don't run for office. Aside from general incompetence.

10:25 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

I meant the letters you smart ass. But now that you brought it up, where do you put your KY? Do tell.

12:42 PM  
Blogger puerileuwaite said...

I may have mentioned this sometime in the past, but I once saw the vanity plate "KY Lady" in the parking lot of a large office building.

I spent all day there listening to Tom Jones' "She's a Lady" ... waiting for her to come out.

3:20 PM  
Blogger Callie said...

I'm just trying to figure out why Miss Kentucky is posing like that. Other than the fact that she's severely sun deprived, that pose just makes her body look deformed. I seriously think she needs a shot or five of Kentucky Bourbon.

Or I do. Actually, I know I do.

Pass the bottle please.

9:21 AM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

I sure am glad Trent Raznor took a break from sining to help the Yankees out. He's looking good. Can't we trick the Red Sucks into taking Kei & Pavano somehow?

7:36 PM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

I sure am glad Trent Raznor took a break from sining to help the Yankees out. He's looking good. Can't we trick the Red Sucks into taking Kei & Pavano somehow?

7:37 PM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

Looking forward to hearing about the Mother's Day soiree at Casa De Limpy. In the meantime, I thought you'd get a kick out of this NY Post quote I just read:

"Let's just say that when you see Bobby Abreu inching toward the right-field wall, the first image that jumps to mind isn't exactly William Wallace charging at the English army."

10:42 AM  
Blogger Lady K said...

Happy belated birthday!

I have relatives in KY, whom I haven't seen since age 11. All I really remember is that the biscuits & gravy were really fantastic.

It's too bad about that horse. Breaks my heart.

Too bad you've never gotten laid there, in a bed of goldenrod. Then again, the bees hovering around would have been a major distraction, anyway.

10:13 AM  
Blogger Cedar said...

NEXT 50!!!! Where are the next 50? Start with prograstinator. Make sure you can spell it better than me.

4:38 PM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

If we cannot even win with Wang pitching, we're totally fucked.

9:49 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Tysgirl, usually in the medicine cabinet.

Pug, now that sounds like a target well worth stalking.

Callie, she does seem a little stiff doesn't she?

Rat, that quote was beautiful. And there was no Mother's day soiree at our house, as I took the precaution of going to Florida. I did call though.

LK, if I' getting laid the bees can buzz around all they want.

Cedar, Next 50? Are you kidding? I haven't even thought about that yet.

Rat, basically, we're fucked this year.

8:33 AM  
Blogger Cedar said...

I never kid. I'm from Jersey remember? I am to worked about the toxic waste I drank as a child while swimming in the ocean.

1:36 PM  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

As a Kentuckian, I have the urge to set your facts right, Limpy.

ALL Kentuckians do not root for the University of Kentucky Wildcats. At least 25% root for the University of Louisville Cardinals. Since I have degrees from both universities, when they play each other I become schizoid. Of course, I also celebrate because I can’t lose.

“My Old Kentucky Home” is a mansion located it Bardstown, Kentucky. When the song is song, people sing the words with which they are most familiar—sort of like the three versions of the Lord’s Prayer.

Mammoth Cave is cool. It stays at the same temperature every day of the year.

Jenna Jameson does have a (slight) Kentucky connection. I met—yeah, really—Jenna in Louisville several years ago. She used to be a once or twice a year featured performer at a local strip club. No, it wasn’t at the strip club that I met her. It was at a Bob Evans restaurant, where I was dining with my then friend, Clair, who was a relatively well known exotic dancer. She knew Jenna from a club in New York City where they had both appeared. Jenna was dining at Bob Evans prior to her performance at the above referenced strip club. Clair introduced her to me. When I met Jenna I had no idea who she was.

6:48 PM  

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