Monday, May 26, 2008

Mississippi: More Than Just Rickets

Chapter 18 in the now rocketing along "Know Limpy's States!" The excitement line starts over there!

I wrote that last week. This clearly isn't rocketing anywhere.

Mississippi is the 20th state to enter the Union, joining up on December 10, 1817. Prior to that it had been explored by Hernando de Soto for Spain in 1540, claimed by the French in 1699 followed by their construction of the first European settlement in Mississippi, Natchez, in 1706. "Natchez" being French for "Good Christ it's humid here". Then the French and Indian War took place and Great Britain took over until handing it over to the US in 1783, and then finally Spain ceded what they called "Spanish West Florida" to the US, including parts of the Mississippi coast, in 1819. Basically, over a bit less than 300 years three European powers poked around Mississippi, decided they didn't want it, then left it with us, where they found it in the first place. Making Mississippi the equivalant to the leftovers in the back of your refrigerator. The way back.

The name "Mississippi" is derived from, from, uh, hmmm, let's see here,...oh, how about that. Seems that there's a river with the same name that makes up the western border of the state.
Who'd have thunk it? Probably not the students in Mississippi, considering they've come in last in achievement in math and science, (2007), out of all the states. On the plus side, they did have a top 50 finish among all the states in 2004 for academic achievement. Of course, it was 50th, but still, that's top 50 bitch!

For the record, the little pansy Yankee fucker making fun of Mississippi's lack of academic accomplishments, ("time to count to twenny-wun, ya'll. Drop yer coveralls!"), just spelled "achievement" twice with an "r". Just thought it was fair that you knew that.

Mississippi is not without its fair share of academic type accomplishments, counting Tennesse Williams and Eudora Welty among its residents, (former residents anyway), and of course, one of my favorites, William Faulkner, pictured here
after a strenuous afternoon of not doing sit-ups. (Line somewhat stolen from wwtdd.com in reference to Richie Sambora. I'd link but can't due to our workplace security system. So type it your self. Obviously, NSFW.)

Side-note about Faulkner. In high school I was in the English honors program, which in my high school meant we didn't color in the same books we read. One of the books we had to read was Faulkner's "The Hamlet", which as I recall had something to do with an unsavory character named Snopes slowly taking over the town and eventually getting to have sex with a hot little number who may have been somewhat retarded. I never really got what the whole thing was about and read enough to pass the obligatory quiz. Years later, we lived near a bookstore that sold used books. One day I was in there thumbing through the pornos, (well, I was doing something in the pornos), and decided that I needed to improve my literature collection beyond stories that start off "I never believed your stories were true but...", so I wound up buying The Hamlet and another Faulkner story, "Light in August" I read them both and after doing so, I beseech someone, anyone, to tell me what the fuck the point is for "Light in August" Towards the end there's a passage where the main, (I think) character is hallucinating, (I think), and there's a mention in there of something or someone passing by ike 'the light in August', and I'm pretty sure it must have been important because the title of the book was right fucking there, but for the life of me, I could not figure it out.

And I just read a summary on wikipedia and now I'm even more confused. Apparently the title has something to do with the special quality of light in Mississippi during August. Great. Just fucking great.

There are 2,910,540 people in Mississippi, most of whom are kin and few of whom can see their toes without the use of a mirror. Mississippi is the most overweight state in the nation, with 30% of adults and 22.8% of kids qualifying as obese. Again, in the interest of full disclosure, if I lived in an area where the diet staples were fried chicken, pie and biscuits n' gravy, well, let's just say 31% of the population would be obese. I'm not kidding myself here.

Missippi is known as the Magnolia State. Apparently stealing the idea from their neighbor's state flower. Guess what the state flower is? That's right, a rose. Nah, just kidding, it's the Magnolia.

Mississippi is composed entirely of lowlifes...oh, wait, lowlands, and the highest point in the state is atop towering 806' tall Woodall Mountain, which is described as being in "the foothills" of the Cumberland Mountains. A more accurate description might be "at the bottom of the Cumberland Mountains".

IF YOU'RE IN MISSISSIPPI YOU SHOULD: I'm not sure, as I've never been. Apparently, however, "leaving" is a favored option, with Mississippi a key staging point in two "Great Migrations" of southerners heading north. However, if you simply must stay, Mississippi's offical list of things to do suggests Mardi Gras season starting in January, The Great Backyard Bird Count in February, (residents are reminded not to "count" the birds via shotgun), and of course, the Gautier Mullett Festival in October.
I'm growing mine out now!

MISS MISSISSIPPI LOOKS LIKE THIS:
I dunno, she looks a little too stuck up to take to the Mullett Festival and see how many crawfish and beer she can put away before the next band takes the stage.

LIMPY'S CONNECTION TO STATE: Other than knowing a really cool lesbian who happens to live there, none. Although once when I was in New Orleans I stuck my foot in the Mississippi River, so that's gotta count for something.

HAS LIMPY EVER GOTTEN LAID IN THIS STATE: No.

UP NEXT: North Carolina. Fuck Duke!

Editor's Note: I deleted the last post so that this one would go to the front. For some reason it came up below it and that was pissing me off. If anyone knows how to move posts around, let me know.

31 Comments:

Blogger B.E. Earl said...

To re-arrange the posts in Blogger you need to change the post date/time under post options. Use this to put them in whatever order you want.

I think.

12:48 PM  
Blogger puerileuwaite said...

You forgot the state motto:

Mississippi: we're practically family

1:27 PM  
Blogger eclectic said...

Damn. I was so hoping for a citable statistic on how many of its governors have used the nickname "Bubba." Also, whether chiggars are the state insect?

I mean, if you're not going to put useful information in these, what's the point?

1:38 PM  
Blogger Sylvia said...

A mullet festival! Wow, that is more like the Mississippi I think of than I would have imagined anything could be. I wonder how they distinguish it from a NASCAR event.

3:31 PM  
Blogger The Recovering Straight Girl said...

I'm curious how many people have two name first names, like Billy-Bob, Bobby-Joe, Kelly-Sue, Janet-Lee. Also if there is a syllable limit on such names (3)?

3:33 PM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

I remember as a kid my family was driving through Mississippi on our way to Galveston. My sister, who is 5 years younger than me, was so confused when we didn't stop to visit Mrs. Sippi

I'd pay money to see you with a mullet.

5:26 PM  
Blogger Cedar said...

When I moved to Seattle from Jersey I had a Mullett. My GF at the time took me to Rudy's the haircuttery and said, "This may work in Jersey, but Not in Seattle." So, I got a buzz cut and dyed my hair purple. Purple hair yes in Seattle, Mullett no. That's F'd Up.

Oh, and Syd is going to kick your ass. Because Mississippi is where god goes to vacation, or is that West Virginia. He hangs out there somewhere in the South.

6:27 PM  
Blogger Syd said...

You are a dick.

And the rest of you are cunts.

Yet, I can't refute anything here. God damnit.

6:37 PM  
Blogger The Recovering Straight Girl said...

Oh, I wasn't referring to any Janet I know personally who may live in Mississippi. Geez Syd, simmer down.

6:56 PM  
Blogger Party Girl said...

First, every time I say Mississippi I silently spell it in my head as fast as I can. Ala like an eight year old.

Second: As an English major I read a lot of crap by a lot of dead white guys who thought they were important and apparently thought they did their best writing while drunk, yet somehow made a ton of money and will be immortalized forever in writing. Faulkner is at the top of that list.
Man, all of his schtuff is odd, wackish, what-the-hell was that?? kind of crap literature. Never understood any of it. Need a brain cleanes after all of it, and I am of the firm belief that he had one messed-up childhood that trascended into an alcoholic adulthood.

8:38 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Earl, thanks. Love the disclaimer there.

Pug, as opposed to West Virginia's somewhat simpler "we're all family here"

Eclectic, the state insect is the honey bee, although I'dve bet a great deal of money on the boll weevil myself.

Sylvia, simple; one wears there formal tank-top to the festival,and the one with the ripped off sleeves to the NASCAR event.

RSG, I steer away from making fun of the red-neck names lest someone point out all the Yankee blueblood assholes who run around with four unpronounceable Old Enlgish names followed by 8 Roman numerals.

Tysgirl, how much money?

Cedar, I think places like Mississippi and WV are what cause God to go on vacation. Personally, if I were Him, (and I like to think I am; it's just that no one else agrees with Me), I'd go to Tahiti.

Syd, admit it. You laughed at least twice. Then wept.

RSG, and what's the deal with your virus-ridden blog???

PG, I'm going to go out on a limb and gues you aren't a huge Hemingway fan. Whenever I think of Hemingway, (which is at leasta daily occurrence for a sophisticate like myself), I think of the "Cheers" episode where Diana makes Sam read a Hemingway novel. He picks it up and says, disgustedly, "'The Sun Also Rises; boy, that's profound"

10:14 AM  
Blogger Party Girl said...

You would be correct. Hemingway would be on the aforementioned dead-white-guy-alcoholic-self-important-didn't-understand-it-what-the-hell-kind-of-crap-ws-that list as well.

All of my stuff would, of course, go on the brilliant-yet-undiscovered-but-will-some day-be-immortalized-forever list

1:55 PM  
Blogger Cedar said...

I think Faulkner and Hemingway were two of the greatest writers that every lived. If you can't appreciate dark, moody and tortured you should be a business major. Name one writer living that would be worthy to drink their piss.

Just my opinion of course.

3:48 PM  
Blogger Party Girl said...

Cedar:

Author: Tim O'Brien.

Book: "The Things They Carried"

Amazing author.

Course, just my opinion.

That's the thing about art and literature, it's all subjective.

9:01 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

I hope someone besides Syd appreciates that it was a post about Mighty Mississippi that has degenrated into an academice debate about the pros and cons of current vs. former authors.

7:25 AM  
Blogger Callie said...

Which is why I was a business major.

Loved English class. Loved English Liturature. Hated American Liturature with a bloody passion.

Oh, and Limpy - I think I had the same Honors English class. I kept expecting great things - and was constantly disappointed.

4:43 PM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

1. Honestly: I didn't know that about Natchez so thanks. I took a riverboat ride on the Mississippi River aboard the "Natchez" so it's cool to know where that name comes from. They may have told us on the boat, but I was busy drinking & getting into those silly river boat band songs.

2. Sit ups line killed me. I have to use that in reference to myself.

3. I almost spit out my beer at the "leaving" option line.

4. Miss Miss (ha ha) does look bitchy.

5. No homage to the origins of the Klan?

6:02 PM  
Blogger Cedar said...

Well they don't call me a dengerate for nothing. And the debate stopped when she mention Tim (ha) O'Brien.

I shall leave this place now, but I shall be back.

7:34 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Callie, I like American Literature. Stephen King rocks! And Poe, and Twain. Hell, I've even read "Moby Dick" twice. Once in that Honors English class I had.

Rat, the sit-ups line comes from a great web-site WWTDD.com, which is "What Would Tyler Durden Do". They tee off on celebrities. They had a picture of Denise Richards with Richie Sambora. Sambora is sporting a horrendous sunburn and a beer gut, and below that the caption says "Richie Sambora, pictured here not doing sit-ups..." Cracked me up, so I stole it and gave them props. And yeah, I left out the Klan. Some history is too ugly to make fun of.

Cedar, I'm sensing disagreement about O'Brien. I've never read him, so I can't comment. Just so long as we all remember that reading anything is better than watching Bill O'Reilly.

7:29 AM  
Blogger B.E. Earl said...

I've been reading WWTDD for years, by the way.

Those kids crack me up. Mean, but I still laugh.

12:40 PM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

Pussy. I'll have to do addendums to your deep south state posts.

That's a hilarious caption.

6:50 PM  
Blogger Just lil o me... said...

I thought the state motto was:
"Our family tree doesn't have any branches"
or the backup one:
"Nothin spells lovin like marryin yer cousin"
(I think that's WV's though)

BTW - a DJ on the radio station I listen to here in Hotlanta said Donkey Punch this morning and I immediately thought of you. Take it for what it's worth....

Kat

10:22 AM  
Blogger Brighton said...

Ok, going to scroll down to see if you have covered Texas yet...
oh, and in the south EVERYTHING comes with gravy ; )

4:25 AM  
Blogger Party Girl said...

Exactly.

..and I think you would really like the author. ALthough, I hate when people suggest books to me and say, "..you would LOVE this..." cause I never do, which leaves me to question if they know me at all and then I wonder about our friendship and...

well, anyway, I'm done.

8:15 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

I'll give ya tree-fiddy. Hell, if you wear a wife beater I'll kick in another two bucks.

Before you turn your nose up at my offer, keep in mind this will buy you 1.5 gallons of gas.

6:12 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Earl, usually their targets deserve it. And I'm kind of a prick anyway, so I'd probably laugh regardless.

Rat, relax, North Carolina should give me all sorts of leeway to make stripper-rape and lacrosse jokes.

Kat, my reputation was already in tatters, so I'll take it as a compliment.

Trish, I think Texas comes in during our trip through the mid-West. But still before Wisconsin.

PG, and so ends the greatest, (and probably only), Mississippi-inspired literary debate.

Tysgirl, $3.50 is really enough to compensate for the ensuing loss of marital relations the mullett would cause. But thanks anyway.

6:47 AM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

I hope. This new job of yours has apparently taken your nut & put them in a jar in the company lunch room.

We have a chance to tie the SEAON HIGH of 2 games over .500 today. The excitement is palbable, just like the near vomit I feel every time I watch them play this year.

7:13 AM  
Blogger Lil Bit said...

no spickets?? - *boo boo lip*

ah well, ♥ Tennessee Williams. (ever wonder why he's from MS but his Mom named him after a diff state? -- 'bout all ya need to know about Mississippi. lol)

btw, in response to your previous response to my other comment on a diff post (lol):
Change your blog settings so comments that are left on your blog hit your email and then you'll never lose one.
No WONDER there were so many of mine, months ago that were never responded to.... you never SAW 'em! hmphf.
Anyway, when/if I delve into the archive (one post in particular I wanna yammer on), I'll let you know in your top post so you SEE it this time, k? =P

11:06 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Rat, apparently they're not doing so hot today, but I lost radio reception so I don't have to suffer through it. I just hope they suck it up and don't go for one of those craptastic quick fixes they were famous for back in the 80's.

LB, I'll check out the settings thing. Sometimes the latecomers don't get a response because I've just moved on. But I shall try to amend that in the future. And you my dear, would get every bead I had should our paths intersect in New Orleans. How's that for southern manners?

12:12 PM  
Blogger Cedar said...

Party Girl, if you read this again, I went out this weekend and bought Tim O'Brien's "The Things they Carry." I read half of it before bed last night. Okay, I like him as a writer. He is not great, but he is good. I would read something else by him.

How about reading Timothy Finley's "The Wars"?

1:05 PM  
Blogger Persnickety Ticker said...

Thank you for my morning hilarity on what looks to be a really craptacular day. I know I can always come here for levity...or mullet bidding...

9:00 AM  

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