Tuesday, July 22, 2008

North Carolina: Fuck Duke!

Chapter 19 in the you-hoped-I'd-forgotten-about-it-by-now "Know Limpy's States"

North Carolina is the 12th state to enter the Union, ratifying the Constitution on November 21, 1789. The state nickname "The Tar Heel State" is apparently derived from the Civil War, when Stonewall Jackson observed North Carolina soldiers staying in their positions despite taking heavy fire, as though their heels were stuck in tar. Clearly Jackson was impressed by the bravery of the North Carolina soldiery. He was no doubt later less impressed by their brains, as they accidentally shot him, resulting in his subsequent death due to infection, after the Battle of Chancellorsville.
During the Civil War, North Carolina took the first Confederate casualty, (oddly enough a guy named "Henry" and not, as I would have guessed, something like Bufort T. Bumfucknoteeth), during the historic, (to anyone who was actually there) Battle of Big Bethel; got the farthest during Pickett's Charge during the Battle of Gettysburg; got the farthest during the Battle of Chickamauga; and fired the final shots of the Civil War at Appomattox Court House. Somewhat unbeleivably, they managed to fire these last shots without killing Gen. Lee, allowing him to live to a ripe old age and eventually turn into a bright orange car.

Although humans have lived in North Carolina for thousands of years, the first Europeans to explore the area were the Spanish. Apparently they were looking for another route to protect their silver transports from, you guessed it, Mexico. As the article says, putting it mildly, "the Spanish did not realize the distances involved." Fortunately for the chicken processing industry in present day North Carolina, Mexicans have since figured out ways to get to Carolina much quicker.

After the Spanish figured out that legging it from Mexico to North Carolina wasn't the most efficient way to transport anything, the next Europeans to stumble into the area were the English. They established a colony at Roanoke, which later disappeared, leading to one of the "great mysteries" in American history. Personally, to me it's about as much of a mystery as what happened to Amelia Earhart. Her plane ran out of gas and she's in the Pacific food chain. The folks on Roanoke pissed off the local Indians and got swatted like a bunch of pesky fleas.

The Aztecs could have learned something from them.

North carolina is the birthplace of Pepsi-Cola, which is good for dissolving sink clogs, but really shouldn't be used for drinking. Especially when one has access to coke. The soda you freak. And this part is important, so I'm lifting it right from Wikipedia. Wouldn't want it to be more inaccurate than it already is. let's face it kids, I'm OK with insulting entire states, making up historical "facts", and in general engaging in questionable behvior in writing this little opus, but when it comes to barbeque, one simply does not fuck around:

"A nationally-famous cuisine from North Carolina is pork barbecue. However, there are strong regional differences and rivalries over the sauces and method of preparation used in making the barbecue. Eastern North Carolina pork barbecue uses a vinegar-based sauce and the "whole hog" is cooked, thus using both white and dark meat. The "capital" of eastern Carolina barbecue is usually considered to be the town of Wilson, near Raleigh. Western North Carolina pork barbecue uses a ketchup-based sauce and only the pork shoulder (dark meat) is used. The "capital" of western Carolina barbecue is usually considered to be the town of Lexington, south of Winston-Salem. A third type of pork barbecue, using a sauce which is a combination of ketchup and vinegar, is "Shelby" barbecue which is made in the town of Shelby." mmmmmmm, pork barbecue. If only I had a Coke to wash it down with.
There are 8,049,313 people in North Carolina. Some of them play lacrosse. They're also real big on NASCAR and professional wrestling, which, unlike their fascination with BBQ, really isn't something to brag about. Fortunately, they don't seem all that big on hockey, so maybe that fat pigfucker Karmanos will go bankrupt. Go Whalers!
North Carolina is also the home to Duke University. I have known several graduates of Duke. Not a single one of them wasn't a pretentious asshole. I don't know anyone that likes people from Duke, other than other people from Duke. Fuck them.
The state flower is the dogwood.

not to be confused with the Dagwood. Seriously, it's been like 75 years. Retire the comic strip. Or at least show Blondie naked.

North Carolina has a varied geography, from the sand bars of the Outer Banks to the highest point, out on the western border, where Mount Mitchell stands at 6,684 feet , the highest point in the state. And, as far as I know, the highest point east of the Mississippi. (Waits for Tysgirl to correct this.)

The state bird is the cardinal. I think that's like 7 out of 18 states. We get it, it looks pretty. Can't someone take the pigeon and just throw that homely looking thing a bone.

IF YOU'RE IN NORTH CAROLINA YOU SHOULD: Rape and kill Peter Karmanos. However, if getting arrested for buggery and murder isn't your thing, there's no shortage of other things to do. For instance, you're never far from a sporting event, with North Carolina home to professional teams in basketball and football. They also have a hockey team, but you should not, under any circumstances, patronize them or otherwise give them any money. You may, however, give them the finger. With my blessing.

If sports aren't your thing, there's always professional wrestling or NASCAR. Or golf if you're really not athletic.

If you're into men in skirts, (Hello Maggie), there's always Ceud Mile Fáilte and the Grandfather Mountain Highland Games. Nothing says an afternoon well spent than consuming mass quantities of McEwan's Scotch Ale and watching large sweaty men toss telephone poles around.


I'm pretty sure she's the one on the left. Caught by Sheriff Killjoy over there just as she was about to hop a train and get the hell out of North Carolina.

LIMPY'S CONNECTION TO STATE: I've flown through the lovely Charlotte airport on numerous occasions, and once I even went outside. That's about it. Some friends of mine moved down there and found out that Connecticut won't accept your teaching degree from certain North Carolina colleges. That's about it.
HAS LIMPY EVER GOTTEN LAID IN THIS STATE: No, but only because I turned down that senator in the airport bathroom.
Up next it's South Carolina, because you can never have too many Carolinas. Unlike Dakotas of which one, quite frankly, would have been plenty.


Blogger eclectic said...

I don't know much about North Carolina, but I DO know dogwood blossoms, and senator, those are not dogwood blossoms.

Other than that, I'm mostly just confused why Miss NC has on clothes, and why, if she insists on only clothed photographs, you bothered to picture her here at all. It's so not like you.

1:35 PM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

I won't argue the Mt. Mitchell thing, but as a Southerner I have to set you straight on Dogwoods. Have to. Because I'm a bitch like that.

Any time a dogwood is mentioned in connection to the South, THIS is what they are referring to.

4:54 PM  
Blogger B.E. Earl said...

The one time I've been pulled over by a cop was in NC. Gave me a breathalizer too. At 8AM!

(I just passed...phew!!!)

5:08 PM  
Blogger Persnickety Ticker said...

I have to agree with eclectic and tysgirl. Wrong flower. Don'tcha feel all ganged up on? (I said ganged up, not gang banged...)

Other than that I have to say that if you ever win the lottery and can afford the gas to do it, take a long drive through all the mountains and lesser known areas. It is a beautiful state.

5:58 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Eclectic, Tysgirl & PT, yes, I know those aren't dogwoods. I have dogwoods. That's the picture that came up on the Wikipedia link from North Carolina. I didn't really look at it until after I was done. Now I'm too lazy to go back and change it. I know; it's a shocking departure from the usual quality control standards around here.

Earl, should be easy to pass a breathalyzer down there. I think the legal limit in the Appalachian hill country is .24.

6:39 AM  
Blogger Slyde said...

i need to get my ass to the city hall today and change my name to Bufort T. Bumfucknoteeth

8:48 AM  
Blogger eclectic said...

I don't know how you keep up with all the details like you do. Really, you're an inspiration. ;)

2:04 PM  
Blogger puerileuwaite said...

On probably the only serious note, I thought "Tar Heels" was actually a derogatory term; originating from a remark that they turned and ran too readily, and thus should have tar applied to their heels to keep them in place. Anyway, that's what I recall.

And thanks for poo-pooing* (* FINALLY, I get to work THAT into a comment. About damned time, too) both the Amelia Earhart and Roanoke mysteries. Now all I have left is Jimmy Hoffa and Roswell (which may be connected).

BTW, the ONLY BBQ Sauce endorsed by this Pug is "KC Masterpiece". Look for it in your local supermarket, and tell 'em The Pug sent ya. Ketchup? Infidels!

Oh, and Blondie is HOT! And since the strip started long before implants, you KNOW those babies are real. Dagwood must have a large schlong, otherwise what does she see in him? Oh, and while I'm on that subject, when you get to Colorado, I demand that my "dogwood" be noted as the official planting specimen.

That is all. And now, as Robert Kennedy would say, "It's on to South Carolina!"

4:20 PM  
Blogger The Recovering Straight Girl said...

Is this all fucked up for everyone?

This comment box?

Limpy. Come over to my site. I have a post about feeling up straight girls.

4:34 PM  
Blogger Cedar said...

You can always tell a dogwood by its bark.

I have missed these.

6:53 PM  
Blogger Party Girl said...

Wow, this post is long. I'll read it at work, aka volunteering for the state, tomorrow.

9:03 PM  
Blogger Lil Bit said...

Nope, "tarheel" goes back even further than that! -- to pitch and turpentine extracted from the vast pine forests of the state.
Either that or maybe the TOBACCO!!! LOL!

Dunno what that flower is, but I'm sure you know by now that it ain't a dogwood.

by the by.... North and South Carolina are not anything alike. They are not "The Carolinas"... NC has the BEST BBQ and best calabash shrimp EVER... and sandlapper BBQ doesn't EVEN compare!! LOL

Roanoke IS a mystery, by gawd!!! - and nothin' you say will change that. lol

btw - You forgot something. Western NC is a Cherokee reservation... and home to a HARRAH'S! bawahahaaaaa

(Can you tell who the born 'n bred NC-inian who no longer lives there is, in your midst???) =P

8:53 AM  
Blogger Lil Bit said...

ps. YESSSS, fuck Duke! ;)

8:59 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Slyde, should fit in real well in NYC.

Eclectic, easy, I make 'em up.

Pug, Dagwood actually comes from wealth. His family disowned him when he married Blondie. Apparently she was a "flapper" and they didn't find her an accpetable bride. Also just as clear, I know way too much about comics.

RSG, comment box seems fine now. Everyone should go read about RSG's weekend. I'm kinda jealous. She gets way more chicks than I do.

Cedar, there's about 30 more coming. So that's what? 3 more years?

PG, fair enough, I wrote it at work.

LB, listen, if you want to write these young lady, you go right ahead. At least then there would be partial nudity!

9:14 AM  
Blogger Lil Bit said...

Maybe, maybe not, lol =P... but they sure as hell wouldn't get written any FASTER, I can guaran-damn-tee THAT!

(reminder to self: Don't lose post for Limpy when states are fiiiiiiiiiinally completed. lol)

9:17 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

I am positively ill with anticipation.

11:11 AM  
Blogger Party Girl said...

Whew! That was time well spent here at work, thanks.

Pepsi, puke.

Dagwood and Blondie, seriously. Loved it as a kid. I'm 34 now, retire it.
Same with Family Circus. Let the kids grow-up and be funny.

11:35 AM  
Blogger Brighton said...

My Dr.Sister lives in SC.

Beautiful states!!


7:25 AM  
Blogger just a kat said...

Yes, FUCK DUKE!! My ex-father in law went there and my ex-mother in law (whose been on the Duke campus, what twice, in 50 years?) is the most gung-ho blue devils fan EVA. BTW, WTF is a Blue Devil?

I do like Western NC, Asheville in particular.

I have missed your scintillating posts and wry (not rye) wit. You are truly a gem. What type, I dont know yet. (smile)

2:42 PM  
Blogger Maggie said...

Oh yea, Highland Games. I'll just be putting THAT on my To Do List When Gas Prices Aren't So High.

Excellent State Report!

Bet you're sorry about including dogwoods, eh?

9:25 AM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

So many great comments in your post - I hardly know where to start.

Perhaps with - FUCK YEAH! after winning the second game in Fenway this weekend!!! Boo yah!!!

What was Henry's last name? About 15 years ago I was in a football pool, and used Henry's name as my moniker in that pool. No one ouf the 100 plus in it knew who he was. Now I cannot remember the poor bastard's last name either.

Stonewall Jackson was the shit. I have read lots of books on him. Dumb fuckers shooting him.

Well, suffice it to say I think this was a great post filled with excellent humor. No reason to rehash it all. Good job!

5:57 PM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

You seriously need to check this clip out of Manny fielding, so to speak.


7:20 PM  
Blogger The Q said...

I was in NC twice this past week (having never been there before). Ok once was while in Tysgirl's vehicle and once was in an airplane (my layover from TN to FL). Now I can at least say I've been there though.

I feel so special.

8:58 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

PG, the next time the Family Circus kids are funny will be the first time. Where's Charlie manson when you need him?

Trish, Texas won't be for awhile, but that's structly due to the set-up of the book I'm using for "research", (i.e. plagiarizing); you guys are always first in my heart. Go Cowboys!

Kat, I would have to go with cubic zirconium.

Maggie, what do gas pirces have to do with it? I figured you'd just start running there.

Rat, Henry Wyatt.

Rat2, I pray to God that the Yankees don't sign that asshole next year.

Q, I expect to hear more about your adventures with Tysgirl than that.

7:21 AM  
Blogger The Q said...

Not really much else to say. We just drove to NC and back. Then I left.

Seriously, that was it.

I did not single handedly cause the death of two innocent hummingbirds (my presence, not that I actually killed them with my bare hands..oh wait, one lived. Either that or Ty lied to me) nor did I cause an unusually early yet intense lightning storm resulting in the loss of electricity in their house. Apparently these things "don't usually happen", but they did when I was there. Er...I mean they did not happen when I was there.

4:05 PM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

I might have to challenge you on that, unless South Carolina just lies for tourism bucks. It was some other name & now I question Henry also. I seem to recall the first fatality was at Fort Sumter, but I didn't want to be a douche bag & challenge your post originally. We all know how the chicks like to see guys fight over Civil War trivia though so it's on!

7:38 PM  
Blogger white rabbit said...

They shot their own General? And not on purpose either...


12:42 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home