North Carolina: Fuck Duke!

Chapter 19 in the you-hoped-I'd-forgotten-about-it-by-now "Know Limpy's States"

North Carolina is the 12th state to enter the Union, ratifying the Constitution on November 21, 1789. The state nickname "The Tar Heel State" is apparently derived from the Civil War, when Stonewall Jackson observed North Carolina soldiers staying in their positions despite taking heavy fire, as though their heels were stuck in tar. Clearly Jackson was impressed by the bravery of the North Carolina soldiery. He was no doubt later less impressed by their brains, as they accidentally shot him, resulting in his subsequent death due to infection, after the Battle of Chancellorsville.

During the Civil War, North Carolina took the first Confederate casualty, (oddly enough a guy named "Henry" and not, as I would have guessed, something like Bufort T. Bumfucknoteeth), during the historic, (to anyone who was actually there) Battle of Big Bethel; got the farthest during Pickett's Charge during the Battle of Gettysburg; got the farthest during the Battle of Chickamauga; and fired the final shots of the Civil War at Appomattox Court House. Somewhat unbeleivably, they managed to fire these last shots without killing Gen. Lee, allowing him to live to a ripe old age and eventually turn into a bright orange car.

Although humans have lived in North Carolina for thousands of years, the first Europeans to explore the area were the Spanish. Apparently they were looking for another route to protect their silver transports from, you guessed it, Mexico. As the article says, putting it mildly, "the Spanish did not realize the distances involved." Fortunately for the chicken processing industry in present day North Carolina, Mexicans have since figured out ways to get to Carolina much quicker.

After the Spanish figured out that legging it from Mexico to North Carolina wasn't the most efficient way to transport anything, the next Europeans to stumble into the area were the English. They established a colony at Roanoke, which later disappeared, leading to one of the "great mysteries" in American history. Personally, to me it's about as much of a mystery as what happened to Amelia Earhart. Her plane ran out of gas and she's in the Pacific food chain. The folks on Roanoke pissed off the local Indians and got swatted like a bunch of pesky fleas.

The Aztecs could have learned something from them.

North carolina is the birthplace of Pepsi-Cola, which is good for dissolving sink clogs, but really shouldn't be used for drinking. Especially when one has access to coke. The soda you freak. And this part is important, so I'm lifting it right from Wikipedia. Wouldn't want it to be more inaccurate than it already is. let's face it kids, I'm OK with insulting entire states, making up historical "facts", and in general engaging in questionable behvior in writing this little opus, but when it comes to barbeque, one simply does not fuck around:

"A nationally-famous cuisine from North Carolina is pork barbecue. However, there are strong regional differences and rivalries over the sauces and method of preparation used in making the barbecue. Eastern North Carolina pork barbecue uses a vinegar-based sauce and the "whole hog" is cooked, thus using both white and dark meat. The "capital" of eastern Carolina barbecue is usually considered to be the town of Wilson, near Raleigh. Western North Carolina pork barbecue uses a ketchup-based sauce and only the pork shoulder (dark meat) is used. The "capital" of western Carolina barbecue is usually considered to be the town of Lexington, south of Winston-Salem. A third type of pork barbecue, using a sauce which is a combination of ketchup and vinegar, is "Shelby" barbecue which is made in the town of Shelby." mmmmmmm, pork barbecue. If only I had a Coke to wash it down with.

There are 8,049,313 people in North Carolina. Some of them play lacrosse. They're also real big on NASCAR and professional wrestling, which, unlike their fascination with BBQ, really isn't something to brag about. Fortunately, they don't seem all that big on hockey, so maybe that fat pigfucker Karmanos will go bankrupt. Go Whalers!

North Carolina is also the home to Duke University. I have known several graduates of Duke. Not a single one of them wasn't a pretentious asshole. I don't know anyone that likes people from Duke, other than other people from Duke. Fuck them.

The state flower is the dogwood.

not to be confused with the Dagwood. Seriously, it's been like 75 years. Retire the comic strip. Or at least show Blondie naked.

North Carolina has a varied geography, from the sand bars of the Outer Banks to the highest point, out on the western border, where Mount Mitchell stands at 6,684 feet , the highest point in the state. And, as far as I know, the highest point east of the Mississippi. (Waits for Tysgirl to correct this.)

The state bird is the cardinal. I think that's like 7 out of 18 states. We get it, it looks pretty. Can't someone take the pigeon and just throw that homely looking thing a bone.

IF YOU'RE IN NORTH CAROLINA YOU SHOULD: Rape and kill Peter Karmanos. However, if getting arrested for buggery and murder isn't your thing, there's no shortage of other things to do. For instance, you're never far from a sporting event, with North Carolina home to professional teams in basketball and football. They also have a hockey team, but you should not, under any circumstances, patronize them or otherwise give them any money. You may, however, give them the finger. With my blessing.

If sports aren't your thing, there's always professional wrestling or NASCAR. Or golf if you're really not athletic.

If you're into men in skirts, (Hello Maggie), there's always Ceud Mile Fáilte and the Grandfather Mountain Highland Games. Nothing says an afternoon well spent than consuming mass quantities of McEwan's Scotch Ale and watching large sweaty men toss telephone poles around.

MISS NORTH CAROLINA LOOKS LIKE THIS:

I'm pretty sure she's the one on the left. Caught by Sheriff Killjoy over there just as she was about to hop a train and get the hell out of North Carolina.

LIMPY'S CONNECTION TO STATE: I've flown through the lovely Charlotte airport on numerous occasions, and once I even went outside. That's about it. Some friends of mine moved down there and found out that Connecticut won't accept your teaching degree from certain North Carolina colleges. That's about it.

HAS LIMPY EVER GOTTEN LAID IN THIS STATE: No, but only because I turned down that senator in the airport bathroom.

Up next it's South Carolina, because you can never have too many Carolinas. Unlike Dakotas of which one, quite frankly, would have been plenty.