Thursday, July 31, 2008

South Carolina: Ah Do Declare, Ah Believe Ah've Got The Vapors

Chapter 20 in the newly revived "Know Limpy's States"

South Carolina is the 8th state, ratifying the Constitution on May 23, 1788. If only the country had stayed with the original government document, the Articles of Confederation, South Carolina would have been the first state, and then be as famous as, well, I guess they'd be as famous as Delaware. Of course, if the US had stayed with the good old AOC, we'd be as well governed as Mexico, and these days Canada would be building a great big old fence to keep American migrants from taking jobs from Canadiens.

And Labatt's can only emply so many people at once, eh?

South Carolina was also the first state to leave the Union, seceding on December 20, 1860. Not satisfied with just ripping up pieces of paper, South Carolina then started the shooting portion of the Civil War as well, serranding the Union troops of Fort Sumter with a lovely cannonade on April 12, 1861.

South Carolina is known as "The Palmetto State", and for once I actually know the reason why without looking it up. Give it up for me! Back in olden times, when the United States was but a tiny cog in the British Empire, there was some ugliness about taxes, and representation or lack thereof, and why you shouldn't throw someone else's tea in Boston Harbor while dressed up as Indians. The disagreement got heated to the point that shots were exchanged in various places within the colonies, including South Carolina. The British, who weren't all that great on dry land but who could shoot the shit out of you from the water, tried invading Charleston and shelled the bejesus out of the forts in the harbor. However, said forts weren't made out of the hardwoods, (-snicker- "hardwood"), but instead out of the spongy palmetto wood native to the area. As a result, the wood just absorbed the cannon shot, rather than shattering all over the place and giving the defenders some nasty splinters. To this day South Carolina has a palmetto palm on its flag.

According to Wikipedia, the first settlers were English from Barbados. Clearly this was before air conditioning, as that's pretty much the only reason I can think of to leave Barbados for South Carolina. Where I've never been and don't know what I'm talking about. Also according the same questionable article the largest group of immigrants were African slaves. Now, as I understand the concept of immigration it involves a willing move to a different country to start a new life. It does not mean getting yanked out of your peaceful village, stuffed in a ship's hold for a voyage straight out of Dante and then dropped off in a strange country for a new life full of involuntary servitude.
South Carolina did encourage Jewish immigrants, since they were seen as reliable citizens. Must have been a nice change of pace for the Jews. Up until 1830 South Carolina had the highest percentage of Jewish citizens in the country, but then someone discovered Miami.

South Carolina has had 7 Constitutions since it started writing them back in 1776. An altogether boring fact except that South Carolina is the only state that lists every single permissible reason to get a divorce. See S.C. Const. art. XVII, Section 3. Which is a legal way of saying "look it up yourself; I'm not doing all the work here" The legislature is prohibited from creating new reasons. Some day I need to look that up to see if "The bitch keeps burning the toast" is in there.

There are 4,321,249 people in South Carolina. All of them have a better than average chance of dying from a stroke. If it'd not clear, that link takes you to some boring ass government type paper which purportedly supports the contention that South Carolina has the highest rate of stroke deaths in the country. Somehow, that's not part of the state motto.

The state flower is the yellow jessamine, also known as the Carolina jessamine. This is a picture of what they look like. If this is an error and in fact not a picture of a yellow jessamine, and you feel compelled to point this out, fuck off. What's that? You're a horticulturist and simply can't live with the knowledge that some idiot with a blog that makes things up about states has posted the wrong picture of a plant? Oh, well, in that case, FUCK OFF!!!
We're not revisiting that whole dogwood fiasco again. The state bird is the Carolina wren. I've actually seen one of these things up close, at Corkscrew Swamp Sanctuary. That's in Florida. The bird didn't seem all that upset at not being in South Carolina.

The highest point in South Carolina is Sassafrass Mountain, part of the Blue Ridge Mountains in the northwest portion of the state, and standing 3,560 feet high. Also, Sassafrass Mountain is the clubhouse leader so far for "gayest name for a mountain" among the 20 states. Other than homosexual names for mountains, South Carolina does have some neat geographic features such as Carolina Bays, which may have been created by meteor showers, and also the longest blackwater river in the US, the Edisto River. I have no idea if these rivers are given to flying into a rage and shooting civilians.
IF YOU'RE IN SOUTH CAROLINA YOU SHOULD: Golf. It's like mecca for golfers. When I was in college four of my friends were huge golfing fanatics. For spring break they would go to South Carolina to play for a week straight. None of them ever got laid. I'm not sure if there's a connection there. Another friend of mine told me that there was sign at the airport saying "We Love Our Cocks", so if you're a compulsive masturbator, apparnetly this is the state for you. Or they could be talking about their fervent support for their state university.

That would be the gamecocks.

You could also attend a peanut festival, which sounds like a rockin' good time, or attend Brew at the Zoo, which combines the best of drinking alcohol and taunting vicous animals penned up in a cage. Go get 'im big boy!

I'm told Charleston is a beautiful city and well worth checking out for the Old South architecture. Or just chase ghosts through the city. What harm could come from chasing things in white sheets through the south? Frankly, that kind of activity should be encouraged.
It looks a little off-kilter to me, but then, I've been drinking and this could be a sketch rather than a photo. Personally I've never forgiven the city for those wretched Charelston Chew candy bar. Christ those things were awful.

MISS SOUTH CAROLINA LOOKS LIKE THIS: I don't even care what her body looks like. Look at those eyes! What? Airbrushing? Pshaw I say. Next you'll tell me those stories in Penthouse are made up.
Of course, sometimes Miss South Carolina is asked to expound on topics like America's lack of geographic knowledge, and then she looks a little like this , which is to say, a stammering idiot.
LIMPY'S CONNECTION TO THE STATE: I know some people who live there. Other than that, none whatsoever.
Up next, it's Tennessee, home of whiskey, slightly dented houseboats and faisty redheads who will tell me that everything I write about the state is wrong, wrong, wrong!


Blogger Sylvia said...

You were drinking at 10:30 AM on a Thursday? You go! Hopefully, you were drinking Labatt's, which I love (even though that may be un-American). But I like all things connected to hockey. And I love Charleston Chews, vanilla flavor. So I'd do ok in South Carolina if it weren't for the southern accents and the humidity.

5:22 PM  
Blogger B.E. Earl said...

I went to Hilton Head once and spent three days sweating through golf shirts while being chased by gators and eating bad food.

Charleston looks nice, though.

7:36 PM  
Blogger The Recovering Straight Girl said...

Thank you Limpy. I'll be using this post as part of Summer Home School for the girls. It's a perfect Geography Lesson.

11:56 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Sylvia, not that that hasn't happened in the past, but I was drinking when I drafted that particular part. And it wasn't Labatt's, although I wouldn't say no to a Labbatt's Blue. Or, for that matter, pretty much anything else short of sterno.

Earl, sounds like it gave Disney a run for the money vacation wise.

RSG, then they'll love my sociology lecture "Why Scary Gay People I'll Never Meet Are Threatening My Marriage" Look for it soon! (don't really look)

7:00 AM  
Blogger Cedar said...

How come you show pictures of the state flower but never pictures of the state birds?

I like the south, especially the women.

9:24 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

I personally prefer NC or SC, but then I prefer the mountains over the beach.

As for the Tennessee chapter. Bring it. I've resigned myself to the fact that you're going to paint us all as Elvis lovin' cousin fuckers no matter what I say. Of course you'll be wrong, but whatever.

10:20 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

Mmmmm..Labatt's beer. Us Canadians sure know how to make good beer.

10:42 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Cedar, a fair question for which I have no answer. maybe I'll start adding those. This thing is evolving state by state. The last one will probably be 45 pages long.

Tysgirl, I wasn't even thinking of Elvis. Until now. And I'm saving the cousin fuckers for West Virginia.

Chris, yeah, but I've had the beer you guys keep for yourselves and you're clearly sending the inferior stuff south of the border. Fuckers.

11:03 AM  
Blogger Slyde said...

these posts with all this info is quite interesing.. by far more work put into it than i could ever muster for any one of my stupid posts...

and thanks for reminding me about that beauty contestant.. that was by far the most watched thing i ever saw on youtube...

11:29 AM  
Blogger Party Girl said...

See, I just thought sassafrass was a cold beverage, once again, I was mistaken.

Airbrushing or not, that chicks freakin hot.

Pshaw is going to become my new favorite word. I thank you and I'm sure my friends do not thank you.

1:38 PM  
Blogger puerileuwaite said...

Since most people don't know what the hell a palmetto is, they should go ahead and call themselves "The Stroke State". This would appeal to both statisticians and us.

And while I can't verify the authenticity of all Letters to Penthouse, mine are mostly true.

9:25 PM  
Blogger elizabeth said...

I wish I could get some airbrushed pictures of myself... and have a hair and make up artist - maybe a personal trainer and a chef. And a castle. (Little things.)

I'd love to go to SC... but first I think I shall have to take a golf lesson or two... I've a friend who flys in from the Caymans just to golf there so it must be quite something - either that or he is mental.

5:58 AM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

Give it up for South Carolina for not naming the Cardinal as the state bird!!

Hey, I really learned something today. I did not know that about the Palmetto. I can't wait to slip that into a conversation.

I only wish you would have explained the Vapors comment. I know I used to know what that means, but that was some 3,000 pints of Guinness ago.

If the Africans were immigrants, I guess that makes the Mexican Foreign Dignitaries.

7:58 AM  
Blogger Litlsassy20 said...

mmm hmm, such as South Africa and The Iraq
and such as ( I NEVER tire of hearing her "answer" )

12:23 PM  
Blogger eclectic said...

What, no "antebellum" anywhere in the whole damn post?? I'm so disappointed.

2:14 PM  
Blogger just a kat said...

I believe I have crossed the "Assafras" Mountain, on my way to Asheville. Pretty country thru there! Cant wait to hear about TN next, my money's on Tysgirl...
(yeah, cause she kicks ASS!)
Just rememeber, nothing spells lovin like marryin yer cousin!

Cant wait for you to get to IL. That'll be a doozy.

4:13 PM  
Blogger Callie said...


As soon as I got to the picture of the girl, my youngest exclaimed, "What pretty eyes!" I promptly replied, "But there's nothing behind them!"

Granted, Munchkin had NO idea what I meant, but it made me feel better.


8:30 PM  
Blogger Persnickety Ticker said...

She has puurrty eyes...or just creepy. Can't decide.

Issues much over the dogwood? Not that you sounded testy or anything...I'm just sayin'.

10:13 AM  
Blogger JMEPED said...

The favorite food of S.C is brown. Even the veggies are deep fried! As for their mascot barbie, um.. she's got a purty face?
You must go to chattanooga tn. It's one of my favorite places. Up there with San fran and dancing on seedy bars in the meat packing district. I'm not kidding. The best coffee I've ever had is a little place called Grey friars! And eat at sticky fingers. Sorry, contrary to it's name it's not a strip club. Ribs...mmmmm....

10:13 AM  
Blogger Complaint Department Manager said...

When you get around to Arkansas, let me know, seriously.

4:28 PM  
Blogger Big Pissy said...

My daughter and son-in-law were in Charleston a couple of weeks ago.

I stayed at their house in Atlanta and took care of their dog.

I think I had the better deal.

4:36 PM  
Blogger Lady K said...

Dude. I'm pretty sure that the Dogwood is the state flower (and tree) of Virginia. What are ya, NEW?


Tell me about...Ohio.

And.....did I miss Arizona?

10:27 AM  
Blogger Lady K said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

10:27 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Slyde, they are a hell of a lot of work. Which probably explains their infrequent appearnces.

PG, I apologize to your friends in advance. I should have considered the horrible ramifications more closely. Or at all.

Pug, so are mine. They all say, "quit it with the golden showers you pervs"

Liz, you mean you don't have all those things? I can't get throught the day without mine!

Rat, the vapors is just me commenting on delicate southern women fainting at the sight of something untoward, and then never actually explaining that, becuase I'm sort of an idiot.

LS, a real credit to pageants everywhere that one is.

Eclcetic, I try to avoid the big words around here. because I can't spell them.

Kat, Yes, one day I will get to Illinois. Probably next year at this rate.

Callie, not true. She's actually a music major with a dgree in composition. OK, I made that up. She works at Hooters.

PT, she has amazing eyes. And they're probably fakes with the glow-in-the-dark contacts.

Jmeped, I sahll add those to my Tennessee itinerary forthwith. Since you were dead on with your NYC recommendations way back when.

Comp. Dept. Mgr. We did Arkansas a while ago, although I don't think it was one of the better ones. Check the archives from March or so.

BP, oh, snap!

LK, sweetheart, by the time this thing rolls around to AZ I will be collecting Sopcial Security in a rest home. What? I steal pension checks!

11:13 AM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

The funny thing is that I keep hearing that Southern guy from all the Civil War documentaries (Likw you know who I mean) even though I know your post made it clear it was from a woman's point of view. Freaky. So, I think I am going to become a Manny / Dodgers fan since I cannot fucking tolerate another minute of this Yankees bullshit. Those three losses to the Fucking Halos were brutal. The shit I took afterwards from all the cocksucking bandwagon jumpers out here was even worse.

7:23 PM  

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