South Carolina: Ah Do Declare, Ah Believe Ah've Got The Vapors

Chapter 20 in the newly revived "Know Limpy's States"

South Carolina is the 8th state, ratifying the Constitution on May 23, 1788. If only the country had stayed with the original government document, the Articles of Confederation, South Carolina would have been the first state, and then be as famous as, well, I guess they'd be as famous as Delaware. Of course, if the US had stayed with the good old AOC, we'd be as well governed as Mexico, and these days Canada would be building a great big old fence to keep American migrants from taking jobs from Canadiens.

And Labatt's can only emply so many people at once, eh?

South Carolina was also the first state to leave the Union, seceding on December 20, 1860. Not satisfied with just ripping up pieces of paper, South Carolina then started the shooting portion of the Civil War as well, serranding the Union troops of Fort Sumter with a lovely cannonade on April 12, 1861.

South Carolina is known as "The Palmetto State", and for once I actually know the reason why without looking it up. Give it up for me! Back in olden times, when the United States was but a tiny cog in the British Empire, there was some ugliness about taxes, and representation or lack thereof, and why you shouldn't throw someone else's tea in Boston Harbor while dressed up as Indians. The disagreement got heated to the point that shots were exchanged in various places within the colonies, including South Carolina. The British, who weren't all that great on dry land but who could shoot the shit out of you from the water, tried invading Charleston and shelled the bejesus out of the forts in the harbor. However, said forts weren't made out of the hardwoods, (-snicker- "hardwood"), but instead out of the spongy palmetto wood native to the area. As a result, the wood just absorbed the cannon shot, rather than shattering all over the place and giving the defenders some nasty splinters. To this day South Carolina has a palmetto palm on its flag.

According to Wikipedia, the first settlers were English from Barbados. Clearly this was before air conditioning, as that's pretty much the only reason I can think of to leave Barbados for South Carolina. Where I've never been and don't know what I'm talking about. Also according the same questionable article the largest group of immigrants were African slaves. Now, as I understand the concept of immigration it involves a willing move to a different country to start a new life. It does not mean getting yanked out of your peaceful village, stuffed in a ship's hold for a voyage straight out of Dante and then dropped off in a strange country for a new life full of involuntary servitude.

South Carolina did encourage Jewish immigrants, since they were seen as reliable citizens. Must have been a nice change of pace for the Jews. Up until 1830 South Carolina had the highest percentage of Jewish citizens in the country, but then someone discovered Miami.

South Carolina has had 7 Constitutions since it started writing them back in 1776. An altogether boring fact except that South Carolina is the only state that lists every single permissible reason to get a divorce. See S.C. Const. art. XVII, Section 3. Which is a legal way of saying "look it up yourself; I'm not doing all the work here" The legislature is prohibited from creating new reasons. Some day I need to look that up to see if "The bitch keeps burning the toast" is in there.

There are 4,321,249 people in South Carolina. All of them have a better than average chance of dying from a stroke. If it'd not clear, that link takes you to some boring ass government type paper which purportedly supports the contention that South Carolina has the highest rate of stroke deaths in the country. Somehow, that's not part of the state motto.

The state flower is the yellow jessamine, also known as the Carolina jessamine. This is a picture of what they look like. If this is an error and in fact not a picture of a yellow jessamine, and you feel compelled to point this out, fuck off. What's that? You're a horticulturist and simply can't live with the knowledge that some idiot with a blog that makes things up about states has posted the wrong picture of a plant? Oh, well, in that case, FUCK OFF!!!

We're not revisiting that whole dogwood fiasco again. The state bird is the Carolina wren. I've actually seen one of these things up close, at Corkscrew Swamp Sanctuary. That's in Florida. The bird didn't seem all that upset at not being in South Carolina.

The highest point in South Carolina is Sassafrass Mountain, part of the Blue Ridge Mountains in the northwest portion of the state, and standing 3,560 feet high. Also, Sassafrass Mountain is the clubhouse leader so far for "gayest name for a mountain" among the 20 states. Other than homosexual names for mountains, South Carolina does have some neat geographic features such as Carolina Bays, which may have been created by meteor showers, and also the longest blackwater river in the US, the Edisto River. I have no idea if these rivers are given to flying into a rage and shooting civilians.

IF YOU'RE IN SOUTH CAROLINA YOU SHOULD: Golf. It's like mecca for golfers. When I was in college four of my friends were huge golfing fanatics. For spring break they would go to South Carolina to play for a week straight. None of them ever got laid. I'm not sure if there's a connection there. Another friend of mine told me that there was sign at the airport saying "We Love Our Cocks", so if you're a compulsive masturbator, apparnetly this is the state for you. Or they could be talking about their fervent support for their state university.

That would be the gamecocks.

You could also attend a peanut festival, which sounds like a rockin' good time, or attend Brew at the Zoo, which combines the best of drinking alcohol and taunting vicous animals penned up in a cage. Go get 'im big boy!

I'm told Charleston is a beautiful city and well worth checking out for the Old South architecture. Or just chase ghosts through the city. What harm could come from chasing things in white sheets through the south? Frankly, that kind of activity should be encouraged.

It looks a little off-kilter to me, but then, I've been drinking and this could be a sketch rather than a photo. Personally I've never forgiven the city for those wretched Charelston Chew candy bar. Christ those things were awful.

MISS SOUTH CAROLINA LOOKS LIKE THIS: I don't even care what her body looks like. Look at those eyes! What? Airbrushing? Pshaw I say. Next you'll tell me those stories in Penthouse are made up.

Of course, sometimes Miss South Carolina is asked to expound on topics like America's lack of geographic knowledge, and then she looks a little like this , which is to say, a stammering idiot.

LIMPY'S CONNECTION TO THE STATE: I know some people who live there. Other than that, none whatsoever.

HAS LIMPY EVER GOTTEN LAID IN THIS STATE: No.

Up next, it's Tennessee, home of whiskey, slightly dented houseboats and faisty redheads who will tell me that everything I write about the state is wrong, wrong, wrong!