Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Oh Right, I Have A Blog

No posts for 12 days. I think that's a record since I started this little horror show way back when. Of course, in those days I was working for a firm that didn't have much to do, so I could afford to jack around all day on the computer and the internet and the web and those other places John McCain can't find, and still get my work done. Now I can't really do that, and since this blog is still unknown to those I know in the real world, I don't do it from home all that often.

In short, I think that thiongs are going to slow down around here. I could be wrong; I've thought that beofre and then sudden bursts of creativity start flowing. Fine, it happened once OK? Happy now?


Anyway, last week my mother took the kids for a week, so it was adults only at Chez Limpy. Suffice it to say I wasn't going to be doing much writing then. Not when there's that much housecleaning to do! And all the sex. Some of it even with a partner. Don't tell me I'm not a wild man.


This week I've been getting hooked on the Olympics. I try to watch the weird sports like team handball and shit like that. Last night I found myself watching the US men's gymnastics team, more than likely because I'm a huge homosexual, but also becuase they were unexpectedly going for the gold. Then two of them basically fell off the pommel horse, (which sounds dirty but really isn't), and they got a bronze. Which menas they came in third. So they're parading in front of the camera and saying dumb shit like "That's how we roll!" Listen, if you come in third, don't say "that's how we roll" You lost. Twice. Yes, it was a great effort, and yes, no one thought you could do it, but two teams beat you. Have some fucking class.


Of course, I say this knowing that if my gymnastic routine were to be announced on TV it would go like this "Well, Jim, I think where Limpy's routine went wrong was when he jumped up and grabbed the rings, immediately dislocating both shoulders and causing him to fall screaming to the ground, where he shattered his ankle. After that he was pretty much finsihed, but the sobbing and thumb-sucking really had to hurt his artistic score as well."

I'm also trying to read "Guns, Germs & Steel", which purports to explain how the world developed the way it has and why some cultures, (i.e., whitey), has all the power and why other cultures, (i.e., everyone else) does not. Apparently it has something to do with the development of food and handwriting and the like, but I'm not really sure, because it is so fucking boring. I highly recommend not reading it yourself. Frankly, I've always just thought the explanation was that, for better or for worse, that northern Europeans just happen to be really good at killing other people, and sort of enthusiastic about it as well. Especialy if shiny baubles are involved. Or oil.

And this weekend, on the cable TV, my wife and I watched what might have been the worst movie ever made, and is certainly the worst I've ever seen, Shoot 'Em Up. And I say that even though it has Paul Giamatti and Clive Owen in the cast, and they're usually excellent. And of course, it also has Monica Bellucci, in it, who's scalding hot and who I would fuck like you read about, so long as what you read about included the phrase, "prematurely ejaculated as soon as Monica took off her top, then spent the evening sobbing in shame."



And the movie still sucks. There is a good sex scene involving Monica about halfway through that makes up for a lot. But other than that, just skip the damn thing.





OK, that's it for now. I'll get to Tennessee at some point. You've been warned.

27 Comments:

Blogger Litlsassy20 said...

I thought I was going to fall out of my chair I was laughing so hard at your olympic rundown of yourself........I, too, am addicted to the damn Olympics. and as a former gymnast, you have never heard anyone scream and yell and cry like I do when watching the gymnasts compete.......I know, I'm a total loser but WHATEVER!!!

12:16 PM  
Blogger B.E. Earl said...

Watching Men's Gymnastics is a little gay. Like a hanjob or something.

Watching Men's Synchronized Diving pairs is crazy gay. Full-on butt sex gay.

Yeah, I watched it last night. Woo-gah.

12:37 PM  
Blogger Persnickety Ticker said...

Olympics? Eh..I tuned in to the men's gymnastics just in time to see one of the guys fall off the horse. I then realized that they were the American team and hung my head in shame and changed the channel. Your rendition of your Olympic debut had me snorting coffee, though. Priceless!

Oh and that chick is HOT! Love the picture for the artistic arrangement...and the fact that she just hot.

12:40 PM  
Blogger Party Girl said...

Shoot 'em Up, lost me when Clive shot the umbilical cord.

so, about 3 minutes into the movie.

I didn't see the sex scene, I will not be re-renting to movie to see the sex scene.

2:35 PM  
Blogger Party Girl said...

Oh, and while at the bar last night, I was watching the mens gymnastic team and having my own wild hetero fantasies and telling tales about how the Greeces invented the sport so old men could watch naked young boys do fun tricks on rings and horses.

True story.

2:37 PM  
Blogger puerileuwaite said...

Watching Men's Gymnastics threatens my own precarious sexuality. That's why yesterday instead I watched Midget Greco-Roman Wrestling. It's not gay if you pretend they're reenacting scenes from "The Lord of the Rings".

4:00 PM  
Blogger Zoe said...

Probably wise to have put the photo at the bottom, I stopped reading as soon as I saw it.

6:08 PM  
Blogger dykewife said...

but what would your wife say to you having premature ejaculation with someone other than herself?

i haven't watched even one minute of the olympics. i have better things to waste my time doing...like sleeping.

8:39 PM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

I knew you were gay!

5:41 AM  
Blogger eclectic said...

I watched the women's gymnastics last night and wouldn't you know it, the American dashed everyone's expectations and fell off the balance beam. Personally? I think you should EXPECT to fall off a 4-in. wide beam when attempting to jump and twist around while standing on it, but maybe that's just me.

Meanwhile, I'm not sure that watching men's gymnastics makes you gay, but if this is your version of "coming out" then I affirm you.

10:48 AM  
Blogger Lil Bit said...

Dear Mr. Gay Busy Couch-Olympiad Who Never Visits Anymore:

You have an award at my blog.
Sorry it's not the gold ribbon. lol ;)

11:45 AM  
Blogger Complaint Department Manager said...

Agreed, Shoot 'em up sucked big time. I actually asked for a refund at Movie Gallery on this one, a rare thing for me to do.

Your lack of posting sounds like me in the middle of a semster with so much on my plate, been there, done that, wished I got a T-shirt with the grade.

12:42 PM  
Blogger just a kat said...

Your assessment of your pseudo Olymic performance made me laugh out loud...as usual!!
Okay - admission time - I make up my own conversations when the athletes are speaking to each other. For example - the US mens pairs diving team - well, I cant tell you what exactly I said, but my boyfriend was laughing HIS ass off at me! Did I mention I use dialects and accents too? hee hee!

1:52 PM  
Blogger Sylvia said...

I have to agree with you about the dumb crap some of the Olympic athletes say on TV. They just don't seem personable, with a few exceptions. I like swimming. It amazes me that anyone can swim that fast.

After hearing how the Olympics would be if you were in it, I have to say I'd watch. It'd be like a comedic Olympics.

7:06 PM  
Blogger VeeringOffCourse said...

You're so gay.

OH NO! Now I have that song by the "I kissed a girl" chick in my mind..."You're so gay but you don't even like boys"

Thanks a lot Limpy.

10:44 PM  
Blogger Lady K said...

Could you picture Monica playing Olympic badminton?

When the fuck did THAT become an Olympic event?

Just asking.

3:39 AM  
Blogger Pud said...

Hey ~ a week of catching up on some much needed sex is WAY more important than blogging.

8:34 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

LS, actually, I've never heard anyone scream and yell and cry at gymnastics. You're kind of a freak aren't you?

Earl, woo-gah and butt sex in the same paragraph? Just put a rainbow on that avatar my friend.

PT, yes, that's why I love that pciture too. The, um, artistic arrangement. Well, that and the tits.

PG, see that's the problem with gymnastics. If I have fanatsies about the men's team I'm gay and if I start having fantasies about the women's team, I'm a pedophile. Thank Xenu for the Paraguayan javelin team!

Pug, it may not be gay, but it's far more disturbing.

Zoe, you typed that one-handed didn't you?

DW, why should she be the only one to suffer?

Tysgirl, quiet you!

Eclectic, I think the woman who fell of the balance beam is Alicia Sacramone, who is hot. And 20, so she's legal. She should get 16 points just for that. Oh, and thanks for the affirmation.

LB, thanks for the award. Sincerely. I appreciate it.

CDM, if I'd paid for that movie I'd be looking for my money back to. It has no entertainment value whatsoever. Except that sex scene. I'm a pig.

Kat, you should do a pod cast. Sounds like a gold mine.

Sylvia, I think that anyone who spends their entire waking lifetime training for just one thing probably won't be the most articulate person outside that field. I solve that problem by not training at any one particualr thing and being inarticulate in all fields.

Veeringoffcourse, Thanks, that's what I'm here for. By the way, my 7 year old sings that song. And my family wonders why I don't mind them listening to the Supersuckers drop F bombs. At least that's good (great) rock and roll.

LK, oh dear god yes I can. Now I need a cold shower.

Pud, it certainly is. Thanks for the back-up.

8:52 AM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

Me, quiet? You know me better than that.

By the way, if you abandon this blog I'll be very sad. You're allowed to take a break, but you better come back. If not, I'll be forced to entertain myself by sending gay porn to your office.

9:20 AM  
Blogger eclectic said...

So wait... what just happened here? You're now a gay guy who fantasizes about Monica Belluci playing naked badminton with Alicia Sacramone? Can't you just be normal and post nekkid photos of Jake Gyllenhall? Please?

10:58 AM  
Blogger Rhonda said...

you are crazy!

WTF?!
is Wisconsin seriously last in that book?!!!
I'm starting to get pissed.

1:58 PM  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

OK. I iz warned. I shall not return looking for a new post until after the closing ceremonies in Beijing.

3:52 PM  
Blogger Lil Bit said...

Sincerely, you're welcome.... now onto serious business -- come tell me your stripper/drag name! lol

12:35 PM  
Blogger JMEPED said...

I thought the Thats how I roll comment was in bad taste too. I thought what, they just lost...
then I quit reading all together when I seen the hot chick

6:54 AM  
Blogger Big Pissy said...

I'm so glad you got to catch up on some much needed sex.

Even if it was alone. ;-)

5:56 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Tysgirl, well, if you do that at least I'll ever a better excuse for why it keeps showing up.

Eclectic, have you no recollection of what hell broke out when I posted a shot of Christian Bale just to help a sister out?

Rhonda, Wisconsin, sadly, will not come due for awhile. We have to finish the SE, then move to the mid-west, then work down to "W". But I will get there eventually and comment on the apple-cheeked wholesomeness that is Wisconsin.

Nick, oops, good timing on your part.

LB, done and done.

Jmeped, that's why I put the hot chicks at the end.

BP, catching up is catching up. At least that's what I tell myself.

11:15 AM  
Blogger dykewife said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

8:47 PM  

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