Monday, September 08, 2008

Sarah Palin Did What Now?

Recovering Straight Girl, in her most recent post that wasn't about destroying America through gay marriage, asked what were you going to do to help push Obama into the White House, thereby destroying America by putting a community organizer in the Oval Office.

Well, since I'm a complete simpleton, and very self-involved, I took this to be a direct question to me. And since, as a community organizer, (i.e., I'm doing Little League again and we just beat some team 24-4 but it was OK because their coach called it a "learning experience" as we begged him to cut it short), sSo to answer this question, I am going to spread unfounded rumors about Sarah Palin, America's newest sweetheart, around my corner of the Timmy-net.

If your kids don't watch "The Fairly Oddparents" you didn't get that.

Apparently, the National Enquirer is going to run a story in which unnamed sources, described only as "an enemy", will say that Sarah strayed from her marriage and had an affair with her husband's business partner. Do I know if this is true? Nope. Haven't got a clue. Is the McCain campaig denying this? You bet your ass! In fact, they've gone so far as to say that they will "consider" legal action as a result of these vicious, unfounded rumors. Of course, if someone were to accuse me of marital infidelity I wouldn't "consider" anything, I'd sue your fucking ass off. Unless there was something to it. Then I might "consider" my options, and I might "consider" the ramifications of suing someone and opening myself up to the legal discovery process and I might instead "consider" just pointing out that the Enquirer is a rag that uses unnamed and paid sources, and then I'd "consider" that they were spot on about John Edwards and then I'd "consider" shutting up. But that's just me.

Now, do I particularly care if Sarah Palin had an affair? Good heavens no. Are you as tired of this question and answer format as I am? More than likely. Did I steal it from 'Doonesbury'? Not intentionally, but I did just recall reading a similar sounding series in said strip, so I thought I'd best cite it.

No, unless politicians are given to axe-murdering hobos, what they do in their spare time really doesn't interest me. Wear women's clothing while leading the FBI? Go ahead Mr. Hoover, and might I just say you look lovely in that particular shade of green. Feel like a blow job from an intern above the legal age of consent? Well, if you feel like risking the wrath of your wife, far be it from me to advise against that Mr. President. Like anonymous gay sex in airport bathrooms? Well far be it from me Mr. Senator...wait, really, the bathroom? Fucking freak.

The point being that there are many, many, (repeat many about 659 times here and you get the idea), reasons to vote against someone like Sarah Palin. Like her idea that Creationism should be taught on equal footing in science classrooms. Like her abstinence only sex education position, which flies in the face of reality yet does provide for delicious, delicious irony. Like her favorable views of library censorship as a test of loyalty. Or the fact that she increased the debt load of her town to the tune of $22 million, $15 million of which went for a sports complex. Stuff like that. But will anyone pay attention to that? No, because those are "issues". Those are things that matter. Those are real, day-to-day decisions that will have an effect on our lives. Sarah Palin's positions in these regards will affect,(and they will because I'll lay you good odds she finishes McCain's term), what your children learn in school, (God created the Earth and everything else in 7 days and evolution means you go to hell), or don't learn in school, (a condom, properly used, is much better birth control protection than pulling out and hoping for the best. Levi.). What you can read or see at your local, public, library. How much you'll pay in taxes. Real life. The stuff that matters.

But does anyone pay attention to that stuff. Maybe, but not enough. Because if they did I wouldn't be writing this stuff. Sarah Palin would be run back to Alaska on a rail. McCain might not have reversed every position he's taken over the last 22 years in the Senate to try to be President. Well, maybe not everything, just little things like tax cuts, immigration and offshore drilling. No, instead people pay attention to things like mistakes her 17 year old daughter made, and now has to live out publicly. Or how funny it is to bash community organizers.

Oh, and by the way, as someone who busts his ass to make sure kids like yours have some fun and learn to play baseball, FUCK YOU!!!!!

No, far be it from any of the voting public to think about the issues. So for now I'll have to be satisfied, or at least hope, that an unfounded rumor in a "newspaper" I usually rely on to report on Jessica Simpsons boobs, might trash this candidate from hell.

And that's just sad.

NOTE: Earl advises me that the links were screwed up. Undoubtedly my fault. Rather than take the time to fix them I'll just say that if you want to check the links, just do what I did and google "Sarah Palin" and than add "affair", "creationism", "censorship" etc and you'll get a whole list to choose from. Enjoy.


Blogger Persnickety Ticker said...

Is it sad that I got the Timmy-net thing before I read the next line while giggling hysterically?

I watch way too much Nickelodeon.

2:08 PM  
Blogger puerileuwaite said...

Not to play "Devil's Advocate"* (* after all, that's more your area of expertise), but it's not uncommon for business partners to "spread the risk while attempting to penetrate key vertical markets".

And sorry, but I have a problem with a guy in lingerie combing through my personal information to use against me, when it's not part of a job interview.

But wait. Did Coach Limpy just cuss me out? F*ck that. See if I bring snacks and juice boxes when it's my g*ddamned turn.

3:13 PM  
Blogger B.E. Earl said...

I don't know if it was intentional, ya know a way to piss us off, but every one of your "links" has an extra "http//" or something in it. None of them are working. Just thought you would like to know.

Like the phony list of books that she wanted banned that is going around (it wasn't her list), I don't think we need to make up any reasons NOT to want her as Veep. Her inherent evilness is quite enough.

4:38 PM  
Blogger Markbnj said...

Oh, what's sad is that even WITHOUT cable, and WITHout a working TV, I got the fairy odd-parents reference.

btw, Dear Sarah deserves to
be tied to a "native alaskan 'totem' pole", stripped to a bra and panties, and then left there in the LONG Alaskan night.

Perhaps six months later, when daylight returned, and she was untied from the pole, her position on abortion, unwed teenaged mothers, as well as
Abstinence only sex ed might have changed.

Wait... You mean, that her brand new 5 month old was...???

Hmmmm... maybe someone beat us to it?

Let this be a lesson to those
abstinence only bimbos.

Not on MY kids you don't, you Arse-holes.

and here are a few more thoughts:

here is post # 2

11:49 PM  
Blogger The Recovering Straight Girl said...

Limpy I personally wish to thank you for your patriotism.

3:30 AM  
Blogger Litlsassy20 said...

well, my, I just learned one tidbit of info from this post......I can see I've strayed from the South!!! We Suthun Baptists don't much care for socialist muslims :-D

I don't care what kind of affairs or issues you can conjure up, I'll vote McCain/ Palin before Obama as will most people I know........and no matter what happens, I won't regret that vote.

so Rock On with your anti-Palin........because I'm not listening :-D
Peace out!

8:23 AM  
Blogger Callie said...

This is going to be a difficult election for me. I don't like the Democrats. Obama is, frankly, a wuss. The rest of the planet will stomp all over us. He's the next Jimmy Carter. Nice guy . . . but not President material.

McCain - not thrilled with him. Not sure he'll even see the end of his term. Old people tend to suffer from things like senility. Which I'm thinking has already happened with his choice in Veep. I like some things about Palin. However, religion needs to be pulled out of politics entirely.

When it comes time to vote, I'm thinking a coin toss will decide my answer. Either way - I won't be happy.

Oh, and I, too, caught onto the Timmy-net. Love it!

8:33 AM  
Blogger Slyde said...

the sarah palin sex story is true..

i was there... it was a 3some...

8:54 AM  
Blogger The Recovering Straight Girl said...

Jimmy Carter was one of the most forward thinking presidents in history. If we would have listened to Jimmy Carter's policies on energy we would not be dependent on foreign oil right now. He proposed that by the year 2000 over 20% of all of our energy be produced by solar power.

When Ronald Reagan became president in 1980 he had the solar panels removed from the White House and began giving incentives to oil companies.

If you remember the late 1970's and early 80's you'll also remember how energy efficient vehicles were. It was not unusual for a car to get over 35-40 MPG. Now? We're amazed at MPG like that.

Jimmy Carter had it right and the American people didn't listen. We'd rather listen to the voice of Consumption and Greed and then balk at "nice guys" like Jimmy Carter who were really trying to make a difference.

1:10 PM  
Blogger Sylvia said...

Here here!! (and repeat that about 659 times for effect too.) Great post Limpy. I can't believe what McCain turned into to get Republican votes. It made me sad for while since I used to really like him - the guy he was when he had ethics still. But now, with this VP choice, he is a complete joke.

I disagree callie and completely agree with Recovering Straight Girl. I loved Jimmy Carter. And I think Obama is going to be a forward thinking President who will really improve America, if we let him.

6:20 PM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

You & your issues talk can take a walk!!! Don't go clouding up the airwaves with that horseshit when there are REAL ISSUES to be discussed, like where Kurt Schilling says Limpy Sucks!

8:09 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

PT, don't we all?

Pug, that's one hell of a job interview. Be sure to spray perfume on the follow-up letter!

Earl, unfortunately, no one pays attention to the substantive stuff. Fortunately, there's the Enquirer to fill in the gaps.

Mark, so I'm guessing that asking you for a donation to "McCain-Palin '08" is out?

RSG, and you are welcome.

LB, Pet peeve of mine. Obama's not Muslim, he's Protestant. Just like every single other President, (except that Irish fella), we've ever had. Also, I have it on good authority that Sarah Palin eats rescue puppies. So there.

Callie, ask yourself how the last 8 years have gone and if you'd like four more of them. That's pretty much how I'm going about things this year.

Slyde, I have a reporter here from the Enquirer who'd like a word with you.

RSG, Carter was a very progressive president. His failing was, and probably is, that he expected to much of other people. "Malaise Forever"

Sylvia, I liked McCain in 2000, and I'd probably vote for him if that guy was still running. But he's changed on too many important issues and I don't think he'll finish his four year term, so we'd be left with President Palin, and I'm pretty sure that would bring on the Apocalypse.

Rat, Curt Schilling can't get hurt enough in my book. The only reason I would even remotely hope that the Red sox would win the Series this year is that they would do it without any contribution from Fatmouth Schilling, and that would kill him.

9:17 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

9:18 AM  
Blogger eclectic said...

Because I'm passionate without energy to write anything original, AND because I really like the way you said it, I'm asking permission here to cut and paste WITH CREDIT GIVEN for a little post of my own, only it won't really be my own (see above).

11:29 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Eclectic, permission granted.

12:30 PM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

If those google searches don't keep you busy, you can now also google "Sarah Palin Action Figures" thanks to some idiot in CT.

Wait. What?

Hey, was it your idea for the CT based company to include the slutty version of the Sarah Palin action figure?

2:26 PM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

Nah, couldn't have been you, she's NOT SPORTING ANY SIDE BOOB.

2:28 PM  
Blogger Cedar said...

I have to ask if you saw what is happening in American Politics on a television Sitcom would you laugh your ass off or thinks, hey this shit isn't believable enough to be funny? Or would you kill a moose?

I like to give as many options to my questions as possible.

12:29 PM  
Blogger Pud said...

Oh...I thought you would be one of the legion of fans who would vote for Mcain because he has a sexy librarian on his ticket.

6:07 AM  
Blogger Party Girl said...

She was also apparently pregnant when she got married.

Like daughter like mother. Or like mother like daughter. Whatev. It's just stupid. Them, not me. I'm brilliant. Obviously. Duh.

12:16 PM  
Blogger Indy said...

SUPER TOILET. I too understand the cartoon refrence.
Found your blog from RSG. I'm enjoying the read.

10:56 PM  

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