Thursday, September 04, 2008

Who's Sleeping Worse Than Me?


This guy.

Meet Levi Johnston. Looks like a nice kid doesn't he? Solid citizens those hockey players. Real team guys. Know how to work as a unit. How to come through under pressure. How to put the puck on net. And, if those clumsy metaphors weren't enough to get through to you, how to knock up the Republican vice-presidential candidate's 17 year old daughter. If only the girl hadn't pulled the goalie. Oh wait, her mom is against sex education unless it's abstinence only. How's that working out for you Mom? Here's a tip. If you're raising teenagers in a state where it's dark half the year, they're gonna fuck, (assuming they don't get eaten by vampires), they should probably know how not to get pregnant while doing it.

Anyway, the end result is that Levi got his ass shanghai'd onto a plane to St. Paul, where he got to put on a suit, (I'm presuming he put on a suit; I haven't watched either convention. As far as I' concerened, if by this time you still need additional information as to whether or not you want 2.5 more years of what we've had the last 8 years, you need to get out more), and appear in front of the Republican National Convention with his brand new finacee' to be, the daughter of not only the candidate for VP, but the governor of his home state.

Seriously pal, man-to man. You're a high school hockey player in Alaska. I'm guessing you're up to your ears in the kind of sex that I could only dream about, (and frequently did, much to the local laundromats chagrin), when I was running cross-country in high-school. Of all the girls to get big with child, you choose the governor's daughter!? What the fuck? You're done now pal. You just guaranteed that your next few years, (because let's face it, the over-under on a shotgun wedding for politcal purposes is about 3 years), are going to be MISERABLE. I know that what's-her-name's mom isn't big on the whole contraceptive angle, because Xenu forbid someone fuck for fun, (or to fall asleep. Better than Ambien!), but that doesn't excuse you from not putting on a rubber.

So enjoy the next few months buddy. Enjoy those awkward "family" photos with your future mother-in-law smiling through clenched teeth as she puts an arm around the guy who knocked up her daughter jjst before the biggest moment of her poltical life. Enjoy those a-bit-too-firm handshakes with your future father-in-law, who, if his wife wasn't running for national office, would probably be using your entrails to bait a trap-line somewhere in the Alaskan woods. And enjoy being a father at 18. Because let me tell you, you stupid no-condom wearing motherfucker, as much joy as I take in my two kids, I was in my late 20's when I started having children. And you have no fucking idea what you're in for.

My diatribe against dumbass there aside, I'd prefer it if these two kids were left to work out their situation on their own, rather than drag-assed in front of the media as props. She's 17 and knocked up. He's (I don't know.) and just learned his girlfriend's pregnant and he's going to marry her or else. You're telling me they're both sleeping well. Hell, I expect they're shitting glass. Christ I was a basket case when I learned my wife was pregnant and I was married for 3 years at that point. Yes, they made a mistake, a pretty avoidable if they'd taken two minutes to unroll a rubber, (sorry, but "abstinence-only" sex-education is like "gas-pedal only driver's education. Sure, you'll know how to get going, but unless you know how to stop, there's going to be an accident. Feel free to disagree all you want.) (also feel free to criticize me for that awful analogy), but before they're forced into life-altering decisions like marriage, children,or going to the Republican Convention give them a few minutes.

Just not alone.

21 Comments:

Blogger Party Girl said...

Well said, and I liked the analogy, I think it works perfectly for abstinence only sex ed, which is ridiculous.

On my own note: according to his myspace page, prior to it being delted, stated he did not want kids, oops. The contradictions made between rep and dem media coverage is redunculous to say the least.
Yes, the poor stupid, unsexually educated and clueless kids, I feel bad for them and the spotlight which has been placed on each. May their seed have some hope of normalcy.

However, on another note: oh, irony, how I love thee.

10:02 AM  
Blogger B.E. Earl said...

He did, indeed, wear a suit and there might not have been a more uncomfortable person in the world than him last night.

Even the way they held hands on the stage at the end looked like torture.

10:48 AM  
Blogger Persnickety Ticker said...

Ya know, I really have to feel sorry for these kids. At 17 I knew exactly what birth control was and sure enough how to use it.

I bet that poor boy is going to need lots of therapy for the rest of his life for being forced to suit up and get all Republican in front of the entire country.

As far as getting a boner ever again? Yeah...that'll prolly never happen. Tsktsk.

11:40 AM  
Blogger Syd said...

That was some awkward shit last night, wasn't it?

Funny take on it all.

12:23 PM  
Blogger Slyde said...

i just love that on his myspace page, he refers to himself repeatedly as a "fucking redneck"...


how fast do you think before they make him pull that shit down right fast...

12:52 PM  
Blogger Trop said...

I love the analogy.

I agree that everyone needs to lay off the kids, no matter how many times they are put before the cameras.

2:01 PM  
Blogger Zoe said...

Well the guy is pretty fucking hot for 18 year old. And come on, he's a hockey player. I'd have slept with him too when I was 17. But as catholic as I was raised, I would have been smart enough to use birth control. Good god how fucking stupid are kids these days. Don't they at least get the basics of reprodution in biology class.

2:40 PM  
Blogger Complaint Department Manager said...

You know, I'm surprised they didn't have the shotgun wedding right there on the fucking stage that night. He couldn't be more mortified if the cameras caught him fucking the other daughter in the bathroom.

3:02 PM  
Blogger The Recovering Straight Girl said...

I would have done the kid too (when I was Bristol's age)--he's hot even for a boy. I think that John McCain's body language is the best. He has to force himself to smile--it's hilarious.

3:58 PM  
Blogger tysgirl said...

I find it hard to respect a woman that would put herself in a position that shines light on her teenage daughter during an already difficult time. Way to have your priorities straight.

Fucking politicians, I hate them.

10:10 AM  
Blogger puerileuwaite said...

She should've known that she should always keep her pads on.

Conversely, dumbass should know that sometimes the rubber goes on the stick and not the other way around.

1:06 PM  
Blogger B.E. Earl said...

Slyde - that myspace page is long gone!

1:34 PM  
Blogger eclectic said...

If I wasn't married, and you weren't married, and if I actually knew you and didn't think your real name was Limpy, I'd ask you to marry me on the basis of this post alone.

3:04 PM  
Blogger Cedar said...

Nothing says I love you kid like parading your 17 year old pregnant ass before the world while you hold the hand of the guy who well could not afford a condom, but at least Mom says she is proud of you. Yeah.

I loved the Republican Convention. Last time I seen that many white folks...

10:27 PM  
Blogger Maggie said...

Excellent! Just excellent! I'm sending McKenzie your way for The Talk.

Tuesday for you?

7:55 AM  
Blogger THE FIGHTING FIFTY FIRST said...

Very well put! As a parent, I seriously question the thinking of Mom on this one. Yes, admitting your teen age daughter is pregnant was the proper thing to do. Parading the daughter and "father-to-be" on the world stage is abusive and incredibly ignorant.

3:58 PM  
Blogger Callie said...

Yeah, I'm not too sure what Palin was thinking when she accepted the Veep nom, knowing that her teen was preggers. I decided not to watch the convention, just because of this issue. I don't my daughters seeing that girl paraded around for the cameras, with everyone thinking being pregnant at 17 is acceptable. I don't care what religion or political affiliation you are. In this day and age, if you're going to screw and you're under 18, you use birth control. ALWAYS.

6:14 PM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

GAS PEDAL ONLY! I like it. I'm going to out & try that.

I want to know how old she was when she got knocked up? I don't know if she's 17 & 3 days old or 17 & 9 months old. There's a chance she was 16 when it happened. Statutory rape?

Yeah, that dumb bastard just wanted to grab a hold of those luscious tits & now look what he's gotten himself into. (insert my most evil laughter here)

We, as a country, have the HIGHEST teenage birth rate of all industrialized countries (although I am not sure we still qualify as one of those, more of a service economy now). Anyway, we're the only one that preaches ABSTINENCE ONLY, too. Big fucking shock. Way to go, Jesus.

He's got as much chance of having fun over the next few months (until they get a divorce after the election) as we have of sitting around in October watching Reggie throw out the first ball in the World Series, or even watching baseball in 3 weeks.

Come on, A-Rod! Now that it doesn't matter at all - hit another 20 to end out the season.

6:35 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

PG, a lot of people liked the analogy, so either I was wrong or you folks have bad taste in analogies. Also, I do love me some irony.

Earl, apparently he chewed gum on stage too, and got criticized for that. Uh, folks, he's made bigger mistakes than that...

PT, there's always Cialis! Not that I would know or anything.

Syd, from what I'm told it didn't look like two people who intended to get married anyway. I'm guessing the "engagaement" doesn't go past Election Day.

Slyde, I haven't looked for the page, (yet), but I read it also said he didn't want to have kids. Surprise!!!

Trop, no kidding, they've got bigger issues. I can only imagine what would be going on if it was Obama's kid.

Zoe, those fucking hockey players make out like bandits. +100 to anyone who knows the movie I'm sort of quoting there.

CDR, now THAT would have been a reason to watch the convention.

RSG, jesus, the hockey players are even scoring with the lesbians!! I really should have played hockey. Or at least learned to skate.

Tysgirl, I think, man or woman, if you know your teenage daughter is knocked up, yopu might want to take a pass on a position that comes with massive international exposure. But then, I'm not a politician.

Pug, and sometimes it's better to dump and chase than it is to put the shot on net. Or something like that.

Earl, no doubt to be replaced by one in which young Levi extols the virtues of expanded oil drilling, permanent upper class income tax cuts, Creationism and the "pull and pray" method of birth control. Well, maybe not so much the last one.

Eclectic, my real name isn't Limpy. So we're like 1/4 of the way there!

Cedar, it was at a Klan convention?

Maggie, Tuesday is Little League. Wednesday will do nicely.

51st, that was my whole problem as well. The RNC is hardly the time and place to introduce the lucky couple.

Cedar, I'm over 38 and I use birth control every time I screw. Well, "getting clipped" counts as using birth control in my book.

Rat, I don't know, Reggie Jackson finished his career with the angels didn't he? He's got a decent chance of going to the World Series. Just not so much with the Yankees. Gah!

10:15 AM  
Blogger Zoe said...

Hey limpy, I have a question for you but I don't really want to leave it on your blog. Would you please email me zoegayo@gmail.com? You can stop sweating, I'm not going to ask you be our sperm donor. But it is sort of a hockey question.

11:00 AM  
Blogger Maggie said...

Zoe- fuck with him and ask him to donate the swim team.

:)

8:54 PM  

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