Sunday, December 16, 2007

No, You Don't Have Crabs, You're Just In Maryland

Chapter 4 in "Know Limpy's States"

Maryland was the 7th state admitted to the union, ratifying The Constitution on April 28, 1788, and putting to lie the expression "lucky #7".

The most fascinating fact about Maryland, to me anyway, and therefore by extension and unfortunately, you, is that the girl who took my virginity hailed from Maryland. It's a sordid tale, and you can find it here. No sense reliving that experience. Truly, a moment to be cherished and one to be forever thankful to "The Old Line State".

Because that indeed is the nickname for Maryland, "The Old Line State". One might reasonably expect that the nickname is derived from the perfectly straight northern border with Pennsylvania and the accompanying lack of imagination inherent to Marylanders, but you'd be wrong. Apparently the nickname is culled from George Washington's, (apparently he was important to the nation's early past; his name's all over this book), praise for the "troops of the line". Which actually rang a bell with me. As I recall from some of my history books on the Revolutionary War, a) we won, and b) in most battles everyone else would run away as soon as the British showed the slightest inclination towards forward movement, but the Maryland troops could be counted on to at least try to shoot a few redcoats before scuttling off like crabs. Apparently they were the bloodthristy psychopaths of the original colonies, and judging by my experience with their women, that trait hasn't disappeared.

The most well known geographic feature of Maryland is Chesapeake Bay, which pretty much takes up the center of the state. Well-known as a recreation area and the soruce of all those goddamn crabs Marylanders will shove down youur throat at the slightest excuse. the Chesapeake is widely loved state-wide, so much so that it is now so full of pig-shit run-off and so overfished that it's in danger of dying. But Marylanders are trying to save it, and they've got license plates to prove it. I, for one, hope they save the bay. That way I'll feel less guilty the next time I pee in Long Island Sound.

Maryland is also a leading exporter of wicked cool librarian/children's entertainer/song maker-uppers.

Maryland's state bird is the Northern (Baltimore) Oriole. I believe that the actual birds prefer it if you refer to them as "Northern Orioles", as there are very few species that would want to be associated with the hapless American League laughingstock, baseball's Baltimore Orioles.

The state flower is the black-eyed susan. There's a name that would never pass muster these days. The Preakness, the second of horse-racing's Triple Crown races, awards a wreath of black-eyed susans to the victorious horse, who then probably eats them. The Preakness is held somewhere in Maryland.

The highest point in Maryland is Backbone Mountain, towering 3,360 feet high along the border with West Virginia, and presumably heavily fortified to keep those hillbillies on their side of the mountain. It should not be confused with "Brokeback Mountain." But it probably is.

There are 5,508,909 people in Maryland. 638,614 of them live in the largest city, Baltimore. Which, if you believe the great HBO show "The Wire", has a population that drops by about two dozen a night. Great show, highly recommend it, but I've gotta believe the Baltimore Chamber of Commerce doesn't like it. I imagine the orioles just flap their wings, not realizing they share a name with a town nicknamed "Bodymore, Murderland"

IF YOU'RE IN MARYLAND YOU SHOULD: Apparently stay the hell out of Baltimore. If you're into the Civil War, and hey, who isn't, relive those golden days of yesteryear by strolling the fields at Antietam and ponder how exciting it must have been to be there during the dealiest battle of the deadliest war America's ever been involved in. So far. If you're a baseball fan, plan a trip for when your team is playing the Orioles. It's a guranteed win, and I'm told the area around the stadium is a lot of fun and reasonably safe, due in part to a police presence similar to the Green Zone in Baghdad. And don't even think of leaving the state without getting crabs. In fact, I know a girl...


MARYLAND'S FLAG LOOKS LIKE THIS: I just think Maryland has a cool flag. Other people think it looks like someone threw up on a tablecloth. Both arguments have merit.

LIMPY'S CONNECTION TO STATE: Other than the rather sordid connection noted above, not much. I have driven through it a couple of times, and I would like to hit Camden Yards, and I watch "The Wire". That's really it.

HAS LIMPY GOTTEN LAID IN THIS STATE: I've gotten laid because of this state, but never in it.

That concludes chapter 4. Tune in next time when we'll discuss Massachusetts, home of those goddamn Red Sox.


Blogger tysgirl said...

Well thank goodness for chicks from Maryland. Without them, you might not be the (7 minute) Pornstar you are today!

1989? Seriously?

9:16 AM  
Blogger limpy99 said...


9:24 AM  
Blogger Alkelda the Gleeful said...

Aw, thanks.

I like crab-meat now, but I didn't when I was growing up in Maryland, so all of those crab-fests were lost on me. I'd nibble on crabs legs, which I liked well enough, and then eat the fried-chicken.

One of the benefits of living in Maryland was being near enough to Washington D.C. to visit the free museums (I still can't wrap my mind around the idea of museum fees in other parts of the country) but not actually having to live in D.C. itself.

I went back to Maryland a few summers ago, and found it to be just miserable. Very pretty, with all of the summer foliage, but miserable nonetheless. It was so hot and muggy, plus the mosquitoes had multiplied millions-fold. It's a bad, bad idea to build a city (D.C.) on a swamp.

9:34 AM  
Blogger eclectic said...

Heh... you said "Preakness." *heh*

1:41 PM  
Blogger Rhonda said...

I'm learning so much from your blog.

When do you hit Wisconsin?
That's the best.

1:57 PM  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

I remember Maryland. I lived there for a few months when I was an army officer. Someone stole my Pontiac GTO out of the apartment complex parking lot. That is not a fond memory.

5:35 PM  
Blogger puerileuwaite said...

And let us not forget the immortal Edgar Allen Poe: one of many fine Americans to lose their lives in Maryland. And author of many enthralling and creepy tales of terror rivaling your own sordid tales of virginity squandered.

Let's compare, shall we?


Poe: The Tell-Tale Heart
Limpy: The Tell-Tale Couch Stain

Poe: The Cask of Amontillado
Limpy: The Bottle of Boone's Farm

Poe: The Masque of the Red Death
Limpy: The Paper Bag over the Date's Head

Poe: The Murders in the Rue Morgue
Limpy: The Polaroids in the Frat House

Poe: Hop-Frog
Limpy: Piece-Frog

Poe: The Pit and the Pendulum
Limpy: The Couch and the Condom

Poe: The Fall of the House of Usher
Limpy: The Taint of the House of Delta

Poe: The Purloined Letter
Limpy: The Fur-Lined Holster

Poe: The Raven
Limpy: Makin' Bacon


As you can see, it is clearly a literary draw. See you in Tax-a-chusetts, my friend.

6:59 PM  
Blogger Maggie said...

And never forget,

Poe: MS Found In a Bottle
Limpy: The Mrs I Found In a Bottle

Both very short stories...

10:11 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Alkelda, you would think Houston would have learned about building cities in swamps, but you would be wrong.

Eclectic, you're really reaching on that one.

Rhonda, I may have to make some jokes about "Packers" when we get to Wisconsin. Don't hold your breath though; it's a ways off.

Nick, you should've called in an air-strike and then collected insurance damages.

Pug, thank you for pointing out that I forgot Edgar Allen Poe. he's only one of my favorite authors. I only meant to include some remarks about him and rabies in this post. Damn my habit of typing these out late at night and DAMN THAT BEATING OF HIS INFERNAL HEART!!!!!!!

Maggie, actually, the tale of the "Mrs. I Found In A Bottle" is 15 years long and counting, and pretty damn dirty as well. Thank God for women with bad taste in men huh?

8:34 AM  
Blogger eclectic said...

Yeah, but at least I wasn't reaching around.

9:16 AM  
Blogger Party Girl said...

I'm enjoying this. It's like I'm in school, but on break. And no homework.

The flag: looks more like something you'd see in a Mel Gibson melodrama about the 1500's.
Just sayin'.

9:48 AM  
Blogger Callie said...

Maryland is very sticky and muggy. And the bay isn't very pretty, either.

But the Naval Academy's nice. Unless, of course, you're going there. Then, it's the campus of torture.

10:08 AM  
Blogger Zoe said...

You, or they, failed to mention the Chesapeake Bay Retriever. One of the few dog breeds which actually originated in the US was developed in Maryland.

7:59 AM  
Blogger Tai said...

They're saving their bay with license plates??

Ahem. That's new.

"There's some lovely filth over here!"

(You realize, I can go on and on and on. There is no end to my geekiness. Can I have my points now?)

9:37 PM  
Blogger limpy99 said...

Eclectic, wow, that hot tub's really got you on a roll hasn't it?
Way to go Mr. E!!

Callie, a friend of mine almost graduated from the Naval Academy. Except for the whole "being-a-homo" thing.

PG, actually, young lady, you owe me a term paper on "the effects of snide remarks about our 50 states on the general opinion of social studies" 15,000 words. By Tuesday. Or a 12-pack of Pilsner Urquel. Either one. Your choice.

Zoe, my beloved dog is mostly Chessie too. Don't tell her I forgot that or her self-esteem will be crushed.

Listen Tai, just because some moistened bink lobbed a scimitar at you, you don't have the right to come over here and make snide comments on my blog. True power to do that is derived from a mandate from the masses.

You can however have 50 points. I'm not sure what they're good for, but they're all yours.

10:33 AM  
Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

Fuck the Red Sox.

I drove on the Chesapeake Bay Bridge. I've done the paddle boats in the Baltimore Harbor - way back when it was still easy to get shot there (when the O's were good - Jim Palmer days), and I went to school in D.C. so I partied a few times in MD. Not to the extent that Lenny Bias partied in my sophomore year.

12:25 AM  

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