Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Nigger X200

Pretend I just wrote the word "nigger" 200 times. And then did it a few more times. Great. Feeling good? The word kind of loses its effect after about repetition 116, but that's just me. Since I'm a white guy closing in fast on 40 I'm probably missing something. Kind of like having a point to this. Oh, wait, here it is.

Today here was another newspaper story about "Huckleberry Finn" being banned in one of our local schools. Apparently one parent complained the book features extensive use of the word "nigger", so the school authorities did what they usually do and yanked the book off the shelves. Now they're going to put the book back on the curriculum, but only after 11 teachers are trained specifically to teach the book.




"Huck Finn", in my opinion, is on the short list for "Best Book Ever". Does it use horribly racist language? You betcha. Does the protagonist start out as an ill-informed young lad with racisit view points only to have his ass saved time and again by an black slave, and therefore learsn that his many racist assumptions were wrong? Why yes, yes he does? Would such a lesson possibly be benefical to today's yout's? Gee, I dunno. Am I doing that annoying "question-and-answer" sing-songy thing again? Yes. Should I stop immediately? Probably.

Look, I'm against burning books, period. Except for maybe anything by Dean Koontz and "The Bridges of Madison County." Those I can sort of get behind starting a fire with.

Seriously Koontz, just stop. You've made a fortune. And while stranded at an ex-girlfriend's family's beach house I read several of your works. They make me weep that trees died. Cut it out. Get a hobby that doesn't involve writing. We'll all be better off.

"The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn", however, is a classic. It should be taught in every high school, no ifs ands or buts about it. There's a point to the use of the word "nigger", and that is that people in Twain's time, (and let's not kid ourselves about our time either), talked like that. And as the book makes bludgeoningly obvious, they were WRONG to do so. I imagine reading that word is painful to some people, but guess what? Life isn't easy. Words are hard. It's the people who can rise above those words and by their actions disprove them that are worth knowing.

Also, the parts in "Huck Finn" that satirize mob justice and and the southern honor system that resulted in bloody family feuds are simply classic writing. On their own they would be required reading.

So cut the crap with the book banning. Read the book, discuss the lessons and we'll all be better for it.

Then we can turn out attention to Ethan Fucking Frome. Seriously, suicide by sled? You couldn't find a blunderbuss?

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Fuck Everything, I'm Voting For Gina Gershon

This should explain why. Thanks to Syd for the lead.

Please, please, please let her pick Jennifer Tilly as her running mate.

/has unhealthy fascination with "Bound".

//well, not really a "fascination, so much as it is an obsession.

///fine, I'm just a fucking pervert OK? You happy now?

Monday, September 08, 2008

Sarah Palin Did What Now?

Recovering Straight Girl, in her most recent post that wasn't about destroying America through gay marriage, asked what were you going to do to help push Obama into the White House, thereby destroying America by putting a community organizer in the Oval Office.

Well, since I'm a complete simpleton, and very self-involved, I took this to be a direct question to me. And since, as a community organizer, (i.e., I'm doing Little League again and we just beat some team 24-4 but it was OK because their coach called it a "learning experience" as we begged him to cut it short), sSo to answer this question, I am going to spread unfounded rumors about Sarah Palin, America's newest sweetheart, around my corner of the Timmy-net.

If your kids don't watch "The Fairly Oddparents" you didn't get that.

Apparently, the National Enquirer is going to run a story in which unnamed sources, described only as "an enemy", will say that Sarah strayed from her marriage and had an affair with her husband's business partner. Do I know if this is true? Nope. Haven't got a clue. Is the McCain campaig denying this? You bet your ass! In fact, they've gone so far as to say that they will "consider" legal action as a result of these vicious, unfounded rumors. Of course, if someone were to accuse me of marital infidelity I wouldn't "consider" anything, I'd sue your fucking ass off. Unless there was something to it. Then I might "consider" my options, and I might "consider" the ramifications of suing someone and opening myself up to the legal discovery process and I might instead "consider" just pointing out that the Enquirer is a rag that uses unnamed and paid sources, and then I'd "consider" that they were spot on about John Edwards and then I'd "consider" shutting up. But that's just me.

Now, do I particularly care if Sarah Palin had an affair? Good heavens no. Are you as tired of this question and answer format as I am? More than likely. Did I steal it from 'Doonesbury'? Not intentionally, but I did just recall reading a similar sounding series in said strip, so I thought I'd best cite it.

No, unless politicians are given to axe-murdering hobos, what they do in their spare time really doesn't interest me. Wear women's clothing while leading the FBI? Go ahead Mr. Hoover, and might I just say you look lovely in that particular shade of green. Feel like a blow job from an intern above the legal age of consent? Well, if you feel like risking the wrath of your wife, far be it from me to advise against that Mr. President. Like anonymous gay sex in airport bathrooms? Well far be it from me Mr. Senator...wait, really, the bathroom? Fucking freak.

The point being that there are many, many, (repeat many about 659 times here and you get the idea), reasons to vote against someone like Sarah Palin. Like her idea that Creationism should be taught on equal footing in science classrooms. Like her abstinence only sex education position, which flies in the face of reality yet does provide for delicious, delicious irony. Like her favorable views of library censorship as a test of loyalty. Or the fact that she increased the debt load of her town to the tune of $22 million, $15 million of which went for a sports complex. Stuff like that. But will anyone pay attention to that? No, because those are "issues". Those are things that matter. Those are real, day-to-day decisions that will have an effect on our lives. Sarah Palin's positions in these regards will affect,(and they will because I'll lay you good odds she finishes McCain's term), what your children learn in school, (God created the Earth and everything else in 7 days and evolution means you go to hell), or don't learn in school, (a condom, properly used, is much better birth control protection than pulling out and hoping for the best. Levi.). What you can read or see at your local, public, library. How much you'll pay in taxes. Real life. The stuff that matters.

But does anyone pay attention to that stuff. Maybe, but not enough. Because if they did I wouldn't be writing this stuff. Sarah Palin would be run back to Alaska on a rail. McCain might not have reversed every position he's taken over the last 22 years in the Senate to try to be President. Well, maybe not everything, just little things like tax cuts, immigration and offshore drilling. No, instead people pay attention to things like mistakes her 17 year old daughter made, and now has to live out publicly. Or how funny it is to bash community organizers.

Oh, and by the way, as someone who busts his ass to make sure kids like yours have some fun and learn to play baseball, FUCK YOU!!!!!

No, far be it from any of the voting public to think about the issues. So for now I'll have to be satisfied, or at least hope, that an unfounded rumor in a "newspaper" I usually rely on to report on Jessica Simpsons boobs, might trash this candidate from hell.

And that's just sad.

NOTE: Earl advises me that the links were screwed up. Undoubtedly my fault. Rather than take the time to fix them I'll just say that if you want to check the links, just do what I did and google "Sarah Palin" and than add "affair", "creationism", "censorship" etc and you'll get a whole list to choose from. Enjoy.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Who's Sleeping Worse Than Me?

This guy.

Meet Levi Johnston. Looks like a nice kid doesn't he? Solid citizens those hockey players. Real team guys. Know how to work as a unit. How to come through under pressure. How to put the puck on net. And, if those clumsy metaphors weren't enough to get through to you, how to knock up the Republican vice-presidential candidate's 17 year old daughter. If only the girl hadn't pulled the goalie. Oh wait, her mom is against sex education unless it's abstinence only. How's that working out for you Mom? Here's a tip. If you're raising teenagers in a state where it's dark half the year, they're gonna fuck, (assuming they don't get eaten by vampires), they should probably know how not to get pregnant while doing it.

Anyway, the end result is that Levi got his ass shanghai'd onto a plane to St. Paul, where he got to put on a suit, (I'm presuming he put on a suit; I haven't watched either convention. As far as I' concerened, if by this time you still need additional information as to whether or not you want 2.5 more years of what we've had the last 8 years, you need to get out more), and appear in front of the Republican National Convention with his brand new finacee' to be, the daughter of not only the candidate for VP, but the governor of his home state.

Seriously pal, man-to man. You're a high school hockey player in Alaska. I'm guessing you're up to your ears in the kind of sex that I could only dream about, (and frequently did, much to the local laundromats chagrin), when I was running cross-country in high-school. Of all the girls to get big with child, you choose the governor's daughter!? What the fuck? You're done now pal. You just guaranteed that your next few years, (because let's face it, the over-under on a shotgun wedding for politcal purposes is about 3 years), are going to be MISERABLE. I know that what's-her-name's mom isn't big on the whole contraceptive angle, because Xenu forbid someone fuck for fun, (or to fall asleep. Better than Ambien!), but that doesn't excuse you from not putting on a rubber.

So enjoy the next few months buddy. Enjoy those awkward "family" photos with your future mother-in-law smiling through clenched teeth as she puts an arm around the guy who knocked up her daughter jjst before the biggest moment of her poltical life. Enjoy those a-bit-too-firm handshakes with your future father-in-law, who, if his wife wasn't running for national office, would probably be using your entrails to bait a trap-line somewhere in the Alaskan woods. And enjoy being a father at 18. Because let me tell you, you stupid no-condom wearing motherfucker, as much joy as I take in my two kids, I was in my late 20's when I started having children. And you have no fucking idea what you're in for.

My diatribe against dumbass there aside, I'd prefer it if these two kids were left to work out their situation on their own, rather than drag-assed in front of the media as props. She's 17 and knocked up. He's (I don't know.) and just learned his girlfriend's pregnant and he's going to marry her or else. You're telling me they're both sleeping well. Hell, I expect they're shitting glass. Christ I was a basket case when I learned my wife was pregnant and I was married for 3 years at that point. Yes, they made a mistake, a pretty avoidable if they'd taken two minutes to unroll a rubber, (sorry, but "abstinence-only" sex-education is like "gas-pedal only driver's education. Sure, you'll know how to get going, but unless you know how to stop, there's going to be an accident. Feel free to disagree all you want.) (also feel free to criticize me for that awful analogy), but before they're forced into life-altering decisions like marriage, children,or going to the Republican Convention give them a few minutes.

Just not alone.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Insomnia Sucks

I've had insomnia for about the last three weeks. I have no idea why. It just started one night when I couldn't get to sleep until about 2 am. I went to be early the next night, and was just tickled shitless to see 4:18 am roll around until I fell asleep. The next night was more of the same, although for some reason that Friday and Saturday I fell right to asleep. I was just giddy with excitement as I went to bed that Sunday night, only to again see 2 am before stealing some Ambien from my wife and knocking myself out.

Over the next few days it was more of the same, with me using some Lunesta samples to eventually fall asleep, having my doctor tell me to use melatonin, trying melatonin with excellent results the first night, (like falling asleep within five minutes excellent), and then, as near as I can tell, no effect whatsoever ever since. Although I still take it every night because I spent $6 on the bottle and wouldn't want to waste it.

I'd been using Ambien samples as a last resort, and it always worked. Last night I took two and still was up until 4. Still that was better than Friday night, when I took nothing to see what would happen and finally fell asleep after 6 am Saturday morning. I've got another call to my doctor this afternoon to see if I can get a prescription for heroin. Needless to say, I've been in a pretty shitty mood lately. I'd rather not get used to getting by on 3 hours of sleep a night, and I really don't like taking prescription drugs if I don't have to. Oddly, I'm OK with illegal drugs.

So if anyone's got any useful advice about beating insomnia, let me know. And don't say "drink five beers and stay up late playing cards" because I already tried that and it didn't work.

Hopefully I'll start getting some more sleep and feel more like writing the usual mediocre stuff you've come to know and love. Until then, I'll be the one watching "World's Strongest Man" reruns on ESPN Classic at 3 am.