Eh, I can't finish that song, I just hate it. But I was mentioning the story of my first born's christening on another blog and discussing the karmic blowback that was sure to ensue, and I fugred I'd spill the whole story here.
First, I'm not a church goer. Although raised a Catholic, I have long since traded in my kneepads and now if I'm in church it's an alpha/omega situation, (or, for those of you not up on your Greek alphabet), a beginning or an end. As in weddings, funerals, christenings. Otherwise, I'll be at home surfing the net for porn.
Now, as you may have realized from the last paragraph, my family is Catholic, or at least was, (a 60% divorce rate will start rasing questions), and one thing we Catholics like is a good baptizing. Because as I learned in 7th grade at St. Stanislaus's Grade School & Peirogi Factory, if little babies die without being baptized, they aren't forgiven for original sin and can't get into heaven. Yes, it's a wonder I'm still not Catholic with a belief system like that isn't it? Anyway, everyone in the family is christened, even yours truly. So when I don't get into heaven it's going to be for all those dead hookers and not for original sin, because I'm cleared of that.
And when you're christened, you get to wear a gown. Even the guys. Some guys like the gowns so much that they later become priests and wear even fancier gowns, and later make the front pages of newspapers for a variety of activities, some of them legal. The gown in our family has been around for, I think, over 90 years. When my son was born he was the first of his generation, and I wanted to continue the tradition. So we had him christened.
In a Congregational Church.
With two Jews for godparents.
Now, I had gotten married in this same church, so I knew they were a little less formal than the Catholics. As in, "we'll have you married in 15 minutes and then it's open bar time" less formal. So when we decided that our Jewish friends were the ones for us, I was cautiously optimistic about working with the reverend. We mentioned that the godparents were heathens and didn't believe in Jesus Christ as Our Lord & Savior, (although we may have phrased it differently), and the reaction was swift. "Oh, no problem, we'll just take 'Jesus' out of the vows and put 'God' in instead. Will that work?" It would indeed work.
What we didn't know is that five other couples were having their kids baptized that same day, (although none of them had a 90+ year old gown, HA!), and we'd doomed five other children to an eternal after-life in limbo.
EDUCATIONAL SIDE-NOTE!! Limbo is where all the dead babies go if they're no baptized. It's not heaven, it's not hell, and it's not purgatory. Apparently the souls just sort of float around forever in a gray mist. I picture an airport baggage claim area. Makes you want to convert, doesn't it?
But it gets better. Apparently, the Congregationalists are big on audience participation, and the priest starts questioning the crowd about various things. My Grandmother, sitting in the fornt row and trying to get over her first great-grandchild being baptized by savages, gets into the swing of things and starts answering. My brother, sitting next to her, starts clapping his hands and saying "good answer, good answer" as though we were playing the Feud. Then the right reverend what's his name starts asking peopel to tell the rest of us what they're thankful for and of course it's one of my friends who pipes in with "I got a new watch."
In short, which is an odd thing to say after all this, I'm pretty sure that after changing the baptismal vows on five unsuspecting newborns, my balance at the karma bank is probably pretty darn low. But it was worth every penny. Good answer Grandma, good answer!!