Monday, June 23, 2008

Breaking Away

I will be taking a break from any new posts for the near future. There are no dramatic reasons for it, I'm simply too fucking busy. My son made the All-Star team for his Little League division, and that has become an all-consuming drain on free time and energy. I was asked to help coach, so it's sucking up my time as well. This isn't like the usual town Little League, where you practice a couple of times a week and then play a couple of games. No, we practice every goddamn day for a couple of hours and play games all over our half of the state. If, as a coach, you miss two games you have to resign. Players are expected at every practice and game, and we're already trying to decide how to deal with our best player, who's missed two practices because his parents took him out-of-state for a family wedding. Seriosuly, this kid's like 11. Like he has a choice. But we have to deal with the league, so it becomes an issue. Frankly, the kid should be barred from practice, because if he gets any better the Yankees are going to draft him.

No, before anyone thinks I'm bragging about my kid making the All-Star team, (which I am), we had 12 kids sign up for 13 spots. Everyone makes the team, just like the Special Olympics. And judging from our first couple of practices, that's not all we have in common with the Special Olympics. This Week we play our first game against a neighboring, and much larger town, where they actually have more kids than they do spots, so they pick the best 13 and therefore have an advantage in that their team has, for instance, a second baseman who doesn't feel compelled to dive for ground balls hit slowly right at him. We, um, don't.

Apparently if our team keeps winning we'd be the champions of the entire state and play through the entire summer. Also apparently, it seems more likely we'll play four games and then our won-loss records should be enough to earn us the rest of the summer off. I hope.

The funny thing is my kid didn't even want to do this, instead planning to spend the summer indoors working on his Guitar Hero III skills and driving us nuts. But I said no, signed him up, and was a bit at a loss when he made it. Oh well, at least he'll keep busy outdoors for a few weeks. I, however, will go slowly insane. (er)

Anyway, I'll keep stopping by, but new posts here will be infrequent until the larger towns kick the crap out of us. Good times.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Because Now Cedar Won't Quit

51. I'm strangely addicted to the show "Deadliest Catch" I have no idea why; it's pretty much the same show every time. Ship goes out, ship catches crab, the waether in the Bering Sea can be rough.
Nonetheless, I watch it every time.

52. I can guarantee that my gravestone will not say "He Wished He Spent More Time At Work"

53. I can't guarantee that it won't say "What A Dick"

54. As I've remarked earlier here, hockey used to be my faovrite sport, (to watch. I can't skate for shit), but I lost interest after Peter Karmanos, that sack of shit, took the Whalers
to Carolina. This year, however, I was able to start watching it again with renewed interest, although I still don't have a favorite team. Whoever it evetually is, it sure as shit won't be the Hurricanes.

54. I can hold a grudge for a long-ass time. And I'll do it. I do not forgive easily.

55. The Stanley Cup
is easily the coolest trophy in all of sports. I'd like to steal it and threaten to melt it into tire rims unless the Whalers are returned.

56. I wasn't kidding about the grudge.

57. I am very bad with new technology. Answering my cell phone without electorcuting myself is cause for rejoicing. I would be much better at these things if I read the directions. But I don't.

58. I am over-competitive to a fault. An ex-girlfriend once got mad at me because I would n't let anyone else on my team, including her father, answer questions in "Trivial Pursuit"
My response? "Yeah, but we won."

59. If I had to pick a favorite porn star, (and thanks to late night Cinemax reruns, I don't!), it would have to be Savannah Samson. Also, I really hate the filters on my work computer right now.

60. I think panda bears are cool.

61. I am running out of ideas.

62. When I was about 12, a rock hit me right in the mouth, knocking a permanent tooth out and resulting in my taking 50 stitches in the lips. Which really fucking hurts.

63. In a related note: Hey kids! That broken down dam down the street from your house? The one you and your friends are going to ride your bikes to and then climb up? Yeah, about that. Don't do it.

64. I love snow. There's no such thing as too much of it. But then, I don't live in Colorado.

65. I work out a lot. It's my outlet. As a result I don't have much stress and I'm in pretty good shape for a guy pushing 40.

66. Also as a result of #65, here's a list of body parts that currently give me at least occasional trouble: right foot, right knee, right groin, low back, left hand, left elbow, left shoulder. I think I'm falling apart diagonally.

67. Lately I've been trying to improve my gas mileage by coasting down any good-sized hill, and driving at or near the posted speed limit, as opposed to my usual 80 mph. As a result, I've been getting 490 miles per tank, as opposed to the 380 or so I was getting. Feel free to make use of that yourself.

68. One of the bravest things I've ever done was to charge into a swarm of white-faced hornets
to get my first dog off his line, where he was under attack.

69. White-faced hornets hurt like a motherfucker.

70. The best places to swim are always illegal. I swim in them anyway. And bring my kids.

71. I'm currently reading "The Fatal Shore", afine novel explaining why one should never trust an Austrailian. Actually a very good book. This is my second trip through it.

72. I want to put solar panels on my house, becuase I'm not real eager to find out how much my electircal bill is going to be in the future.

72. I was raised Catholic, but have long since fallen away from the church.

73. I can't beat my son at Halo3.

74. I kick the crap out of him at NHL '08.

75. Today I went to a funeral for the mother of a person I don't particularly like. But her husband is one of my best friends and I went because it was the right thing to do. If my kids learn nothing else from me, I want them to learn to do that.

76. I think that most of the world's problems could be easily solved if we just addressed the problem of over-population. To that end I support the elimination of groups of undesirables. And I'd like to suggest we start by eliminating wacky drive-time radio DJs.

77. I wasn't kidding about the population thing. If we don't slow things down, everything else means dick.

78. I like to sweat. Make of that what you will.

79. I'd like to see some lurkers comment about this. You know who you are.

80. Oh dear go there are 20 more of these to go. Hey, if I type that 19 more times...

81. When I was a kid I used to love to read the historic battles section of The People's Almanac. I probably knew a lot more about the Battle of Agincourt than any other 12 year old.

82. Yes, I am a nerd.

83. When Little League season ends I'm going to join my friend's gym and learn to box. Can you say mid-life crisis?

84. One of my favorite comic strips is the old Bloom County, (the new/returned one is just OK), with Opus and Milo and Co. One of my faovrites is an exchange between Opus and Milo when Opus is going on a date. Milo asks him if he's got his wallet and Opus gets all snooty and says 'Sir, money cannot buy you love" and Milo
responds, "No, but it does improve your bargaining position. Here's $10." I always liked Milo.

85. The best comic strip ever was "Calvin & Hobbes" If you disagree I will fight you.

86. I take my comics pretty seriously. In fact, its the only reason I haven't canceled my subscription to our local paper, which increasingly seems to be run by high-schoolers.

87. I wish I knew about Tom Waits and his song "Long Way Home" when my wife and I debated the song for our first dance. You'll be happy to know I managed to rule out a Tiffany song.

88. There is no better candy bar than a Kit Kat. If you disagree, I will not fight you, but will just figure "more for me" and probably munch my way into a diabetic coma.

89. I have a picture of my wife in a bikini in my office.

90. Right now I find the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue a little boring. If you're going to do porn, just do porn. quit kidding us. But in high school that thing was more precious than gold. I think Kathy Ireland made me realize I had hit puberty.

91. Shit, I just had a good one and now I can't remember it.

92. I think this is one of the creepiest things ever. I would, however, have liked to handle the cross-examination. "So, nothing to say for yourself eh? I think that speaks volumes! Your witness."

93. I type in the "Hunt & Peck", two-fingered style, but still do it pretty quickly.

94. I'm always amazed when people are concerned about what other people, who they don't know, think about them. Which is short-hand for telling anyone out there you can say whatever you want about me here. I promise not to lose any sleep over it.

95. I know how to ride a horse. Haven't done it for awhile though.

96. One of the best things about our yard is that every couple of summers a snapping turtle lays eggs in the pines in the side yard. If we find her afterwards we always throw her in a wheelbarrow and give her a ride back to her pond.

97. One of my favorite Xmas gifts ever was the canoe I got two years ago.

98. I won't set up my Xmas tree until Xmas Eve. People with Xmas trees up the day after Thanksgiving are weird.

99. The first 50 of these were definitely more interesting, weren't they?

100. But fortunately, we're done now.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

"Is This Heaven" "No it's Iowa"

Found this over at Nick's. I liked it, so I stole it. Pretty self-explanatory.

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was just enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying and the dog had been dead for years.

He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while they came to a high white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble.

At the top of a long hill it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my dog come in too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me" he called to the reader, "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there." The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate and, sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man, who was standing by then, waiting for them.

"What do you call this place?" he asked.

"This is heaven," was the answer.

"Well, that's confusing," he said, "the man down the road said that was heaven too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? That's hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the jerks who'll leave their dogs behind."

Monday, June 09, 2008

Why I Shouldn't Coach Your Kid: Part Infinity +1

Last night, after the thunderstorms had cleared and the temperature was back up to about 93, we had Little League practice, to which a total of 4 kids, (who are going to start tonight), showed up. One of them is the manager's son. I was throwing batting practice. He likes to talk crap, so as he walked up the batter's box he announces that if I hit him he's going to charge the mound "like Coco Crisp."

I hit him with the first pitch.

I could totally kick Coco's ass anyway.

(Cedar, I'm in the mid-70's! Hang on!)