Mississippi: More Than Just Rickets
I wrote that last week. This clearly isn't rocketing anywhere.
Mississippi is the 20th state to enter the Union, joining up on December 10, 1817. Prior to that it had been explored by Hernando de Soto for Spain in 1540, claimed by the French in 1699 followed by their construction of the first European settlement in Mississippi, Natchez, in 1706. "Natchez" being French for "Good Christ it's humid here". Then the French and Indian War took place and Great Britain took over until handing it over to the US in 1783, and then finally Spain ceded what they called "Spanish West Florida" to the US, including parts of the Mississippi coast, in 1819. Basically, over a bit less than 300 years three European powers poked around Mississippi, decided they didn't want it, then left it with us, where they found it in the first place. Making Mississippi the equivalant to the leftovers in the back of your refrigerator. The way back.
The name "Mississippi" is derived from, from, uh, hmmm, let's see here,...oh, how about that. Seems that there's a river with the same name that makes up the western border of the state.
Who'd have thunk it? Probably not the students in Mississippi, considering they've come in last in achievement in math and science, (2007), out of all the states. On the plus side, they did have a top 50 finish among all the states in 2004 for academic achievement. Of course, it was 50th, but still, that's top 50 bitch!
For the record, the little pansy Yankee fucker making fun of Mississippi's lack of academic accomplishments, ("time to count to twenny-wun, ya'll. Drop yer coveralls!"), just spelled "achievement" twice with an "r". Just thought it was fair that you knew that.
Mississippi is not without its fair share of academic type accomplishments, counting Tennesse Williams and Eudora Welty among its residents, (former residents anyway), and of course, one of my favorites, William Faulkner, pictured here
after a strenuous afternoon of not doing sit-ups. (Line somewhat stolen from wwtdd.com in reference to Richie Sambora. I'd link but can't due to our workplace security system. So type it your self. Obviously, NSFW.)
Side-note about Faulkner. In high school I was in the English honors program, which in my high school meant we didn't color in the same books we read. One of the books we had to read was Faulkner's "The Hamlet", which as I recall had something to do with an unsavory character named Snopes slowly taking over the town and eventually getting to have sex with a hot little number who may have been somewhat retarded. I never really got what the whole thing was about and read enough to pass the obligatory quiz. Years later, we lived near a bookstore that sold used books. One day I was in there thumbing through the pornos, (well, I was doing something in the pornos), and decided that I needed to improve my literature collection beyond stories that start off "I never believed your stories were true but...", so I wound up buying The Hamlet and another Faulkner story, "Light in August" I read them both and after doing so, I beseech someone, anyone, to tell me what the fuck the point is for "Light in August" Towards the end there's a passage where the main, (I think) character is hallucinating, (I think), and there's a mention in there of something or someone passing by ike 'the light in August', and I'm pretty sure it must have been important because the title of the book was right fucking there, but for the life of me, I could not figure it out.
And I just read a summary on wikipedia and now I'm even more confused. Apparently the title has something to do with the special quality of light in Mississippi during August. Great. Just fucking great.
There are 2,910,540 people in Mississippi, most of whom are kin and few of whom can see their toes without the use of a mirror. Mississippi is the most overweight state in the nation, with 30% of adults and 22.8% of kids qualifying as obese. Again, in the interest of full disclosure, if I lived in an area where the diet staples were fried chicken, pie and biscuits n' gravy, well, let's just say 31% of the population would be obese. I'm not kidding myself here.
Missippi is known as the Magnolia State. Apparently stealing the idea from their neighbor's state flower. Guess what the state flower is? That's right, a rose. Nah, just kidding, it's the Magnolia.
Mississippi is composed entirely of lowlifes...oh, wait, lowlands, and the highest point in the state is atop towering 806' tall Woodall Mountain, which is described as being in "the foothills" of the Cumberland Mountains. A more accurate description might be "at the bottom of the Cumberland Mountains".
IF YOU'RE IN MISSISSIPPI YOU SHOULD: I'm not sure, as I've never been. Apparently, however, "leaving" is a favored option, with Mississippi a key staging point in two "Great Migrations" of southerners heading north. However, if you simply must stay, Mississippi's offical list of things to do suggests Mardi Gras season starting in January, The Great Backyard Bird Count in February, (residents are reminded not to "count" the birds via shotgun), and of course, the Gautier Mullett Festival in October.
I'm growing mine out now!
MISS MISSISSIPPI LOOKS LIKE THIS:
I dunno, she looks a little too stuck up to take to the Mullett Festival and see how many crawfish and beer she can put away before the next band takes the stage.
LIMPY'S CONNECTION TO STATE: Other than knowing a really cool lesbian who happens to live there, none. Although once when I was in New Orleans I stuck my foot in the Mississippi River, so that's gotta count for something.
HAS LIMPY EVER GOTTEN LAID IN THIS STATE: No.
UP NEXT: North Carolina. Fuck Duke!
Editor's Note: I deleted the last post so that this one would go to the front. For some reason it came up below it and that was pissing me off. If anyone knows how to move posts around, let me know.