I always liked the "Blade" movies, even though they're really nothing that's going to make cinematic history, the acting, especially in the second one, is generally poor, and the third one has little going for it except Jessica Biel in tight clothing. Although, as I've mentioned before, with me that pretty muich makes up for anything else that could go wrong in a flick. And it did. If thoughts were made public that poor girl would have about a dozen restraining orders against me. Anyone have her address by the way? I know we were meant to be, I just know it. Xenu told me this, right after the part about why women shouldn't make noise during shild birth.
Anyhoo, my obsessions aside, I like Blade. And so when Spike TV, (perhaps the dumbest netwrok name ever), announced that they were going to start showing "Blade: The Series", you can imagine my excitement. Actually you probably can't. My reaction was "huh, I wonder how they'll fuck that up?" So when I did watch it last Wednesday, it was more out of a sense of morbid curioisty than the breathless anticipation of a rabid fan.
Most of my fears were realized. The fight scenes seem to have been choreographed in slow motion. The guy playing Blade seems to have the emotional range of a tree stump, and has none of the menace that Wesley Snipes just seemed to throw off with a glance in the movies. And why are all the vampires Aryan and the good guys an ethnic stew? Just once can't we have vampires from Arkansas that sit around in overalls and whittle when they're not sucking blood from their cousins? Is that too much to ask?
Actually, it probably is, because given the choice between watching hillbilly vampires whittling and watching really hot vampire vixens crawl all over each other what are you going to choose? Speaking for myself, I'll be at the vixens channel.
And that brings us to the one saving grace on "Blade: The Series." The producers had the good sense to hire a really hot actress named Jill Wagner. Here's a picture.
Then, they stuffed her in a white dress and had her confront the bad guys, who were all dressed in black. Can you spot the subtle metaphors? I couldn't, because I was trying to figure out if Jill could possibly be wearing any underwear with that dress. Then they had her captured, tied up, (just gets better and better doesn't it) and turned into a vampire, after which she wore black, although fortunately not much of it. And then the other lead girl vampire, a bleached blonde little number who I'm sure has a name but for now who we'll just call "She who exists so that we have someone to tease you with the possibility of lesbian sex between really horny vampires", decides she hates our girl Jill, but after they drink blood together they exchange the sort of smoldering looks that turn sand into glass and start to get real, real close, so close that their lips almost touch as their panting mouths draw closer together and their hands stroke at each other's...(do you know how hard it is to type with just one hand? It's a bitch!)
Anyway, I'll be watching next week. The previews have Jill stripped down to stripper type underwear and stretched out for some kind of ritual. I don't know what the plot will be, but frankly, who needs one?